Inkwell: Authors and Artists

    
    Krynn -- I doubt very much that your stories are going unread at
F&SF.  it doesn't take long to turn the slushpile around if you're
determined not to let it pile up.
    Now, that -does- involve not giving stories longer than they ask
for; if you're five pages in, the story hasn't started (e.g., you're in
the middle of an infodump on the Galactic Empire's political history),
the prose is English only by courtesy, and -- well, and so on -- there
is not really any point in slogging through to the end; the story
isn't of publishable quality, and an explanation of how to fix it would
be longer than the story itself.

    (Understand, I'm not making any kind of judgement of y9ur work;
I'm talking about what the slushpile is generically like, and it is
generically worse than anyone who hasn't read it for money -- and
nobody sane would read it for any other reason -- can imagine.  This is
not hyperbole.)

    It makes no sense to let slushpile stories pile up for months.  If
nothing else, they have to be put somewhere.  At the sf magazines
where I worked, we averaged a thousand submissions a month.  You can do
the math if we'd let them accumulate for even one month, never mind
four or six.  As I said, the New Yorker states up front that they're
not buying anything unsolicited (this has been on the masthead for at
least six months), and -- again, with no criticism of the story implied
-- I don't think they're holding on to it after eighteen months.  I
think they either tossed it or it got lost in the return mail.
  

    
right, so, t-shirts...

suggestions for taglines?

here are my off-the-top-of-my-head ones, drawing from topic headings
of the past:

barking mad @ the well
goldfish swapmeet @ the well
(and the ever popular) @ the well

as for drawings, wasn't there a rumour once of a maddy lemon-y bat?

In any case, I'm kinda thinking of a goldfish one... I shall doodle in
PhotoShop later this week, and see what I come up with.

Other ideas?
  

    

I'm hoping you'll remember to make them in very large sizes and that the 
word "Wellie" doesn't show up on any of them.
  

    
It's been a while since I've solicited a friendly rejection from the New
Yorker.  Since they aren't reading unsolicited mss., feel free to submit
somewhere else.
  

    
I queried the New Yorker before I sent the Mss. and they said that
they sometimes accept unsolicited Mss., but prefer solicited ones. Mind
you, this was almost two years ago. Obviously they changed the rules.

John-Mike- I totally understand what you're saying. I don't *think* I
do any of the things you mentioned, but I'm a novice (I've been writing
my whole life, but have only recently (the past two years)taken it
seriously in a business sense)so therefore am not always a good judge
of my work. The Sf&f rejections were just weird because it came so
fast, it was almost like they sent the slip before the Mss. even
reached them. Maybe they're psychic. Most magazines take at least two
months to get back to me. Whateverthecase, I think I'm just going to
have to accept the fact that I probably need to start out in the
semi-pros instead of the pros. The odds might increase a little. But
first, I need to sleep...
Thanks for the imput. 
  

    
Linda:  You say potaytoes, I say potahtoes.  Nevermind my little
"wellies;" I don't need to print them on tee shirts.
  

    
Squeaks - *wagging finger* That's why I said to check your e-mail,
missy... I knew it wasn't like you to confirm....

As for titles for a shirt...
Still Barking Mad After All These Years
 - The Mob @ The Well

Erynn - Glad I was able to knock you out of your chair... I'm still
getting slack jaws from friends I haven't seen since I had it
colored... and that's without the makeup or the moustache penciled in.
  

    
E-mail from Jouni:

Maure -- Offering help is not 'doing nothing'. :-)

T-shirts -- Sounds cool (although I would be forced to print my own
'hang-around Weller' -shirt). You know, if there's need for a simple
drawing/illustration to the design, I could be able to scribble something
up...

Jouni
  

    
Neil,  the Amazon site still lists Coraline as being available on
audio cd in June. I thought I'd heard May, from you, sometime or
another. Is Amazon wrong (I hope, I hope)?
  

    
Hidyhoe Well-erinoes!

Finally back from a really fun trip out to L.A. to see the Long Beach
Grand Prix. Had a blast but I was completely cut off from the Internet
for a week, so I trembled a bit this morning as the computer booted up,
thinking about the amount of emails and postings to catch up on.

Neil- thank you very much for the kind words to my girlfriend Rita at
the Evanston signing. She called me in LA to let me know that she had
been and to ask me how on earth you seemed to have been expecting her.
She seemed convinced that I concocted a very small conspiracy with you
to make her feel uncormfortable at being spotted out of all the fans
around her. 

I told her that it was actually just a very astute observation made by
someone who is both an astoundingly good author and a very nice
person. I think you made a new fan :)

Shawn - wondering how a week in California failed to make him any less
pale...
  

    

Say, are any of you writer-types reading the current two-week interview 
with David Menconi about his book "Off the Record?" In reponse 124 and a 
few before that, he's talking about the process of writing, and in 
particular about interviewing his characters in order to learn more about 
them.  Since there's been a writing and a how-to-write thread running 
through the discussions here I thought I'd point it out.  I'm actually 
quite taken with it.

And this interview might also be of interest to the musicians among you, 
as well...
  

    
Pamela - Welcome to the Tim Tam Addicts of America club. I blame the
Tree what talks funny (winks, then ducks).

Maure - See, that's one of the things that draws me to the junior high
kiddies. Me, the totally uncool teen who is now (aside from the
occasional mental tweaking neccesary) actually doing pretty well for
herself (at least I'm pretty happy these days); while several of the
popular kids from my jr. high are dead/addicted/struggling with life
stuff in general. Not that this is true of everyone (hardly!), but I'm
looking forward to be an example that popularity isn't everything, and
that people change, and it's who they end up being when they grow up
that counts the most.

Erynn - I'm going to see Daniel Ash tomorrow! :) (Hey, it's sort of
even an on topic thing if you go by the whole six-degrees thing ->
Danny and Petey were both in Bauhaus with David J. David J. did cool
recordings and stuff with Alan Moore. Alan Moore called Neil "Mr. Scary
Trousers".)

Dan - I *did* check my mail. I got nothing until today. Maybe the old
computer ate it? (quite possible, I *did* just have to replace it). At
any rate, I'm running VERY late here, so I'm not going to be there and
I'm really quite frustrated about it, so there's no point making me
feel any more guilty...

Shawn - "Hens love roosters. Geese love ganders. Everyone else loves
Ned Flanders!"

Linda - Will check out the conference when I'm not running totally
late. Sounds like it could be interesting. Thanks for the heads up!

squeaks, who can't wait to see her friend's first post to Neil here...
  

    
Michelle,  that's perfect! It's what I try to reinforce while they're
young and haven't started all that schtuff yet. Can only hope they
remember their really fun, dorky teacher, and never start being mean.
Want to start a school with me? ;) 
  

    

I'm back from Dan's. We had a good time and heard some truly weird and good
stories.
  

    
Congrats, Adriana!
Welcome back, Will!
Yay, Dan!
...and other noises of gladness.

Re t-shirts:  I think I'd like one that said "Lemon Scented Sticky Bat? Gee,
the things you learn about on the WELL...."

Especially if it had a drawing by Maddy on it. (hint, hint)
  

    
Madman - glad you enjoyed yourself. I enjoyed doing it... will have to
do it again since I've already had e-mails from folks who couldn't be
there but wanted "to come to the next one"

Squeaks - *holding up your Princess Mononoke cards* No guilt... but
I'll have you back in my lair eventually. *evil laughter*

Linda - Brat.

Dan, who is highly annoyed at the eyelid that has chosen to go all red
and puffy and hopes that a good dose of Benedryl will take care of it
before the show tonight.
  

    

Dan - it's because you called me a brat.  Take it back and your eyelid 
will be fine.
  

    
Okay, two farthings' worth of T-shirt messages:

[large letter] D
IT'S NOT A GRADE, IT'S A FAMILY THING

BUT FOR YOU, THREE GOLDFISH

THESE ARE NOT MY SCARY TROUSERS
  

    
Squeaks--no one expects the Spanish Inquisition!

Re: t-shirts--ooooo, I had forgotten the Maddy drawing...that would be
perfect.  But I want one with Jouni's art on it, too.  Bugger.  I hate
decisions like this.

Apparently, it is now summer in Chicago, as the high for today is in
the upper 80's, and I have sneezed approx. 1,217 times this morning, my
eyes are watering, and I'm completely congested.  We have misplaced
Spring here as well, and though I have looked under every stack of old
newspapers as instructed by Mr. Gaiman, and in the back of every
closet, I can't find the bloody thing.  I *can* however find all the
allergens.  Aaargh.

Neil--yay!  Humanities Festival!  It would be delightful to hear you
read Coraline live.  I shall cross my fingers and hope.

<<waves at Pamela>>  Miss you!

Neil--is it permitted to ask *what* you are writing like a mad thing? 
A little hint?  Pleeeeease?

OK, time for lunch.

<<goes off singing, "So long, farewell, auf wiedersehn, adieu!">>
  

    
Ohmigod, Mike slipped.

Hee-hee!

Ooooo, those are fabulous!
  

    
Mike always gives more than his farthings worth.
  

    

I would so wear a t-shirt that said "These are not my scary trousers." Oh,
the hours each day I would spend explaining...
  

    

Dan - here's my excuse for not showing up at your house to attend the 
event that was my idea and everything:

I got a kiln for Christmas.

No, wait, there's more to it than that.

I have been afraid to use my kiln, as much as I long to, because I was 
afraid of setting the house on fire.  I was also afraid of ruining 
whatever it was I was trying to cook in the kiln.

So, for months now, I've been researching how to do it, kiln settings, and 
kiln wash, and fiber paper, and venting and straight up? or in stages? and 
getting fireproof material to put on the table and on and on and on.  So 
last night I returned from the neighborhood meeting of Girls Inc where I 
had somehow gotten roped into stuffing envelopes when I had originally 
been invited for a tour of the facilities, and I looked at the kiln, and 
at the tiles I'd put in place on the table, and I said "Tonight's the 
night, dammit."  So I dragged out all the glass and cut some up and put it 
in the kiln and spent an hour puzzling over the controls and finally got 
it fired up and then I opened the door every five minutes to see how it 
was going and I did that all the way up to 1461 degrees and all the way 
back down again.

I know it's not a very good excuse and I truly am a brat and I hope your 
eyelid feels better very soon now.

Maybe next time we can do it at my house...?
  

    
Neil,  I know you're writing madly, but for whenever you get this: I'm
sorry about your Sunday experience. You could have come with me and
Megan - we hopped up the street for some really good food. But that
wouldn't have made such an entertaining story. I feel really badly for
Caitlin - it's too bad that she had such a horrible time here. Chicago
can be really lovely. She doesn't sound like she ever wants to come
back . . .

Re: t-shirts . . . I really really like "But for you, three goldfish."
It sounds simultaneously generous, and subversive.

Mary,  yeah! What the heck?? I feel like I'm working in a brick oven.
I don't care where Spring went, I'm trying desperately to find Fall. I
hope the allergens go away so you feel better by Saturday. 

Today is my birthday. I got lots of hugs and songs from children, and
cards (one featuring clowns (front: The Clowns from Clowntown . . .), a
sadistic joke from Megan, who had written "will eat you!" in bubbly,
maniacal letters over the whited-out bit of the message inside), and
chocolates (which I reluctantly hand over to my sisters), and other
sundry gifts. I also found a new apartment, finally, which sounds
perfect, and I'm going to look at it this weekend. And, someone who is
more or less a complete stranger (who knows me, at best, as a name he's
heard of once or twice) is doing me the greatest favor ever in the
world ever. Everything is beautiful today. *And* I got ice cream.
  

    
Let a thousand t-shirts bloom. Seriously, with CafePress or whatever, if
it's print-on-demand, there's  no need to have only one design.

Oh. I should mention that, thanks in part to encouragement in this very
topic (on top of encouragement from Emma Bull at Minicon), I have done the
deed. My hair is extremely purple.

I glee.

Thanks, guys!

Elise,
wandering off singing "And you may say to yourself, 'These are not my scary
trousers'..."