Inkwell: Authors and Artists

    
Our next guest, Jeff Bell, is the author of "Rewind, Repeat, Replay," a
personal memoir of his struggles with obsessive compulsive disorder.

Jeff is a longtime veteran of radio and television news. He currently 
co-anchors afternoon drive at KCBS-AM, the CBS Network's San Francisco 
flagship and one of the most successful all-news radio stations in America. 
Prior to joining KCBS, Bell spent eight years hosting drive-time news 
programs at KFBK in Sacramento.  On the television side, Bell spent several 
years as a writer for KTVU-TV's Mornings on Two, a ground-breaking and 
hugely successful Bay Area news program.

Joining Jeff is Angie Coiro. Angie is an award-winning radio journalist and
interviewer whose subjects have included Mike Wallace, Richard Clarke, and
Martin Short. Salman Rushdie provided two of Angie's career high-points:
first, her radio interview with him won the national Public Radio News
Directors accolade as the best on local public radio that year. Second - and
perhaps more notably -- he briefly pogo-danced in her studio following the
broadcast.

Welcome, Jeff and Angie. Glad to have you here, I'm looking forward to
this conversation!
  

    
Thanks, Cynthia!

Jeff, how wonderful to be together with you again, even if only via
keyboard. Welcome to the Well.

Jeff I first met each other when we worked together at Metro Traffic
in San Francisco, many moons back. That voice!  There are many
advantages to this print-only, asynchronous interview format. One of
the downsides is, you don't hear the voice of Jeff Bell that I first
heard over a decade ago, and that all of San Francisco now enjoys on
KCBS. In this business especially, we're judged by our voices. Jeff's
is calm, warm, smart, avuncular. Modest but authoritative, reassuring
and humorous.

Nowhere in that voice over these many years, Jeff, have I heard a hint
of the despair and insanity you so baldy hang out for all of us to see
in "Rewind, Repeat, Replay". I never, never would have guessed at the
painful and terrifying ride you were taking all through the 90s with
obsessive compulsive disorder. And frankly - you had the choice to
leave it that way, for me and for all your listeners. Surely it would
have been easier to - as so many people in the public eye do - thank
your stars that your public image was immaculate and intact, and keep
quiet.

Surely, I began thinking to myself before I was even through the
second chapter, the cost of keeping quiet must have outweighed the cost
of speaking out. So let's start there: what would it have cost you to
NOT write this memoir?
  

    
Hmmmm.  What a great starting question, Angie!  It's one I, myself,
have pondered many times over the years.  

Before I take a stab at answering it, allow me to take just a moment
to thank you, Cynthia, David, and all the folks at The WELL for
inviting me to join this Inkwell conversation.  I'm honored.  And I'm
thrilled to have this opportunity to share the story behind my story.

So, then... the cost of keeping quiet?  I suppose the simplest answer
would be: exhaustion.  I spent the better part of a decade not only
keeping quiet about my battles with OCD, but also going to incredible
lengths to cover my tracks, lest anyone discover my deep, dark secret. 
I hid, I lied, I made excuse after excuse for my "quirky" behavior,
and I got away with it, again and again.  Not even my closest friends
had any idea of what I was going through. I couldn't risk getting
caught.  So I parked my car blocks from therapists' offices, and snaked
through alleys to avoid being seen.  And I spent thousands of dollars
out of my own pocket to avoid leaving a health care paper trail.  If
someone had tried to tell me back in the early 90s that I'd someday
share my story with anyone caring to pick up a book, I'd have laughed
out loud.  Heck, it's a shame no one did hit me with that; I could have
used a good laugh during those especially dark days.  Shame and fear
are powerful motivators, and they kept me quiet until they wore me out.

Exhaustion is, well, ugly.  But sometimes it can also lead to some
good.  For me, it led to what I've come to see as the single most
pivotal moment in my life--the moment I committed to spend a full year
logging (on 3 x 5 cards) my every obsession and compulsion and recovery
triumph and setback.  Just what I was going to do with these index
cards I hadn't a clue.  But I knew I needed to start being honest, if
only with myself, about who and what I'd become. And I knew that if
anything was ever going to give meaning to all the years I'd lost to my
disorder, it was going to be these cards. I wanted--needed, really--to
find that meaning, so I kept burning through index cards, hundreds and
hundreds of them (neatly stacked and organized, as you'd expect from
an obsessive-compulsive, by the way). For exactly one year, I
documented everything. And then for another full year, I strung
together my index cards into the form of a manuscript. And then for
seven more years I edited and fine-tuned and checked and rechecked and
re-rechecked every word.  (More on that later.)  Now, suddenly it's
2007 and my book is in print, and I can't fathom keeping quiet anymore.
 There's too much that needs to be said, not just about OCD and my own
personal battles, but also about mental illness, in general, and the
debilitating stigma that surrounds the whole issue to this day,
exhausting and consuming so many sufferers.  I'm ready to talk... and
keep talking as long as anyone cares to listen.  

So... let's dive in!
  

    
You got it.  Into the meat of the book ASAP, but allow me two more
questions to set the scene first: 

Undoubtedly, some people will pick up your book based on your name and
public image. "Oh, Jeff Bell, KCBS, of course." Radio sets up a
peculiar version of intimacy between the listener and the air talent.
The listener over time can stretch a whole perceived personality over
the thin bones of what they hear on the station - attributing
qualities, opinions, even solid physical attributes to this person
behind the mic. Sometimes they're bang on, picking up on things about
you you don't even grasp yourself. Sometimes they couldn't be more off
the mark. 

Over the course of your illness and recovery, the specter of the
listener pops in and out of your story.  I see in the book first your
battle to keep the cool, together, in-control construct of "Jeff Bell,
KCBS" intact, while your own life was a disaster. Then your
bated-breath decisions to open up to one person after another whose
radio-based image of you could crash to the ground.

Can you detail your own experience of that? Both as a guy with a
capital-S "Secret" to hide, and the more universal dynamic of the
whole-person air talent meeting the listener with the pre-conceived
notions?

And the second scene-setting point in the next post ...
  

    
You could stop most people on the street now and ask, "What's OCD?",
and the chances are decent they've at least heard of
obsessive-compulsive disorder. Not the case when your symptoms first
started surfacing. With the caveat that you are NOT presenting yourself
as an expert on the syndrome itself, but only on your own experience
with it - can we get a quick, lay person's rundown on where OCD
research was as you were discovering it in your own life? You're well
educated, well read, but hadn't heard of it when your symptoms started
manifesting in your adult life. Where was the research at that point?
Was it an established diagnosis? 

And for those reading along who may not be familiar, let's lay out
what OCD is, and isn't. Most of us could confess to some tiny ritual of
reassurance. I'll come clean: after coming home one day to find I'd
left a gas burner on in my apartment, I got into the habit of touching
each control switch before leaving for the day, noting each aloud:
"Off, off, off, off, OFF!", so I could get in the car with that verbal
reassurance I wouldn't come home to  burnt-out crater in the ground.
OCD goes waaaaaaaaaay past that - how so?
  

    
Speaking of Jeff's listeners - and anyone else who might be reading
along from outside the Well - your questions and comments are welcome
at any time. Send them along via
 <inkwell@well.com> to have them added to this conversation. Jeff's
book centers on his own experience, and we'll steer clear of any
requests for advice on personal situations that would be better handled
by a professional. Aside from that, the, uh, phone lines are open!
  

    
How right you are, Angie, about the unique relationship between radio
"personalities" and listeners.  It's a relationship based on
preconceptions and assumptions, really, and yet, as you point out,
there is also a genuine intimacy to the whole thing. Throughout my
career, I've always tried to "picture" the people I'm talking to (a
mother driving her kids home from school, a guy shaving in the morning,
etc.), and I know listners have their own images of me, as well. If
there's one comment all of us in radio hear again and again, it's this:
"Oh, you don't look a thing like I'd always pictured you..." (Angie,
am I right?!!) Thing is, through the magic of radio, the image I have
of a listener and the image he/she has of me "get to know" one another
over the course of our daily time together.

Now then, here's the twist in my own story: I too have always held an
image of "Jeff Bell" (the me on the radio), and it's always been one of
a pretty "together," "normal" guy... not at all like the off-air Jeff,
who spent so many years hiding from people, and scrubbing his hands,
and checking and rechecking everything.  In the worst of my OCD era,
I'd cling to my on-air image and make it a reality--at least for those
several hours a day I'd spend behind a mic.  In retrospect, I now see
it was my own image of myself, every bit as much as listeners' images
of me, that I was obsessed with protecting.  I'll write more about this
is future posts, and will also attempt to explain a few of the lessons
radio has taught me about battling OCD... and confronting uncertainly,
in general.
  

    
RE: OCD Awareness... Then and Now

The OCD label is not a new one, but until very recently it's been a
little-known and often misunderstood one.  (More on the basics of the
disorder in my next post.)  Back in the early '90s, when I was starting
my own downward spiral into mental illness, ignorance of OCD was so
widespread that it existed deep within the mental health field, itself.
I attempted twice to get professional help from psychologists who
failed to recognized my challenges as part of a known disorder. 
Ironically, it was only through my own "investigative reporting" that I
stumbled across my first exposure to the whole OCD label:

I'd been seeing a traditional psychotherapist for many months, and she
was off on vacation.  I was fed up with answering her many questions
about how my various compulsions "made me feel," and I knew there had
to be something to the compulsions themselves. I was in a local
bookstore, combing the Psychology section, when a book with a strange
but alluring title all but jumped off the shelf and into my hands. 
"The Boy who Couldn't Stop Washing" it was called, and on its pages I
discovered for the first time just who and what I am.  It was an
unbelievably powerful moment, and to this day I credit that book (by
Dr. Judith Rapoport) with saving my life.  FYI.. I shared my finding
with the psychotherapist when she returned from vacation, and she all
but dismissed the label outright.  I, in turn, dismissed myself from
her care.  To her credit, though, she did call several days later to
say she'd been talking with some colleagues, and, yeah, there was
probably something to my bookstore discovery.  I'd like to think that
all this would play out very differently today, given the recent
fascination with, and coverage of, OCD.

Angie, you write that the average person on the street has at least
some working knowledge of OCD.  I wish I could tell you I'm finding
that to be true. I'm not. In fact, I've been amazed by how many
well-educated, plugged-in people I know in my own circles have
confessed to me complete and utter ignorance of the disorder.  This, by
the way, motivates me more than just about anything in my drive to
share my story.
  

    
Oops, I've made the very common mistake of assuming that what is true
in my own circle is true societally.  It's illuminating to hear OCD is
still not widely known, let alone understood. 

I find myself wondering, of all things, about the effect of the TV
series "Monk" on public awareness.  Tony Shalhoub's character seems,
from my limited understanding, to be presented with dignity and
respect. I'd love to get your take on that.
  

    
RE: OCD Basics

ME (speaking to a group of "normal" people at a recent book signing):
"So, quick show of hands ... how many of you have ever backed your car
out of your driveway, driven halfway down the block, and doubled back
because you questioned whether you'd actually shut the garage door?"

GROUP OF "NORMAL" PEOPLE (at said book signing to learn about OCD): 
Almost to a person, hands go up.  Heads nod in immediate recognition.

ME: "Okay, now then, how many of you drove away, only to again
question yourself and again return to your house?"

GROUP: No hands go up, though a lot of eyebrows do.  

ME: "So, not even one of you has made a third pass then?  Or a
fourth?"

GROUP: Incredulous looks.  Skeptical looks.  A few "this guy's a
freak" looks.

ME: "Welcome to my world...."


I share this snippet because it drives home what I'm coming to find
out about OCD: EVERYONE has experienced a taste of its two core
elements--obsessions and compulsions, though typically in the much more
innocuous forms of "nagging thoughts" and "rational responses." 

Take the garage door...first from the "normal" person's perspective. 
Nagging thought: What if I didn't close the garage door?  Rational
response: I'll just double-check it... so as not to worry about it all
day.  Door checked.  Done!

Now let's replay this from an OC's perspective.  Thought: What if I
didn't close the garage door?  Response: I'll check on it.  Door
checked.  Thought: Did I really see the door closed, or did I just
imagine that?  COMPULSION: I should double-back one more time, just to
be sure. Thought: That's crazy; I just checked it.  OBSESSION: But what
if I didn't close the door. Thought: But I did.  OBSESSION: If I
didn't close it, though, something horrible could happen (someone could
steal something, a neighborhood kid could get hurt with tools on the
workbench, yada yada).  

COMPULSION: I have GOT to go back and check on this thing again...
Door rechecked.  OBSESSION: Are you sure that wasn't the neighbor's
door you checked this time?  Can you REALLY be sure it's closed? [Trust
me, I'm just warming up here...]

This is OCD.  In all its glory.

While there are a wide range of OCD "flavors," the cycle is almost
always the same: Horrific, what-if thought... followed my some kind of
a repeated action aimed at alleviating the unbearable discomfort of
that thought. For some people (like me), the primary compulsion is
checking; for others, it's washing (to get rid of germs, for 
example).  Some OCs develop various pattern rituals (requiring actions
to be taken in certain groupings or sequences), and still others hoard
or arrange in specific ways, in hopes of warding off their what-if
thoughts. 

To be continued....
  

    
RE: OCD Basics, continued


I am not a doctor, nor do I play one on TV (or the radio), and my own
OCD Voice of Doubt demands that I disqualify myself from making any
definitive medical statements about the disorder.  But with that
said... here are some things to keep in mind about OCD:

>OCs are acutely and painfully aware of just how nonsensical their
thoughts and actions are.

>This awareness, unfortunately, counts for little in the throes of an
OCD episode.

>OCD tends to be chronic, but is almost always treatable to varying
degrees.  (We can tackle that in another post, as well...)

>The vast majority of OCD experts view the disorder as
biologically--and, more specifically, biochemically--based.

>Brain imaging studies are now able to highlight problem areas within
an OC's brain.  FYI.. I'm fascinated by this stuff, and you've got to
admit there's something pretty freaky about the whole concept of your
brain attempting to process pictures of itself. Eh?!!

>Researchers are making progress in identifying a so-called "OCD
gene."

>Some four to six million Americans are thought be battling OCD.

>Far too many of them don't yet know why they do what they do.
  

    
RE: "Monk"

Great show!  You gotta love Tony Shalhoub's character!

Is the OCD depiction accurate?  There are holes, but excusable ones,
as far as I’m concerned

Do I find it demeaning?  Heck no.  It's funny.  OCD IS
funny--painfully so far too often for those of us battling it.  But I
can tell you from experience that coming to recognize the absurdity of
the disorder is a big part of the recovery process.

Is "Monk" doing any good in raising awareness?  You bet. If nothing
else, it gives us a common starting point for conversations like this
one!
  

    
Speaking of funny...  Do you know any good OCD jokes?
  

    
>>> "Rewind, Repeat, Replay," a
personal memoir of his struggles with obsessive compulsive disorder.

Shouldn't that be "Rewind, Repeat, Replay,Rewind, Repeat,
Replay,Rewind, Repeat, Replay,Rewind, Repeat, Replay,Rewind, Repeat,
Replay,Rewind, Repeat, Replay ...." ? 

>>> ME: "Okay, now then, how many of you drove away, only to again
question yourself and again return to your house?"

I've done that once or twice, both time before going out of town for a
while. 

I have a slight OCD involved with hand washing, which grew out of my
childhood curse of bad excema.
  

    
<mz>, I'm curious to hear more about that - is that diagnosed OCD?
What are your coping mechanisms around that? How obsessive does your
train of thought get? What happens if you can't wash your hands?

Meanwhile, Jeff -

Your OCD first surfaced in your childhood, then took a break, then
came back full force in adulthood. You were on the family boat with
friends, and thought you might have done some damage to a nearby craft.
The ensuing worry took on a life of its own. Did you realize as this
incident evolved, over days and weeks, that something about your
thought processes themselves had gone amiss? Or did it not register
with you that the duration and depth of your worries about this other
guy's boat were somehow abnormal?

And before that all went down - would you have described yourself as
given to stress and worry? What was your life, your character, like
before the adult onset of OCD? Any hints of what was to come?
  

    
how did you treat it/are you treating it?
  

    
>> is that diagnosed OCD?

No.  

I don't really have any coping mechanisms. It's not really that bad. 

>>> What happens if you can't wash your hands?

Well, the hand washing thing was to cope with my excema. I use lotion
now. I used to lick my fingers a lot when I was a kid.

I had another weird thing when I was younger that I had to count my
footsteps in groups of 10.
  

    
This is all fascinating. I have many minor touches of OCD. As a kid while
riding in the backseat, I remember needing to put my big toe on the car
floor between telephone poles. So depending on the speed of the car, I was
constantly touching the floor of the car when another telephone pole went
by. Also around the age of 16 I developed trichotillomania, hair-pulling.
That is under control, but I also have a need to put anything with a label
"frontally"--placement of anything is hugely iimportant to me.
  

    
Jeff, you mentioned that your old "traditional" therapist did not have the
tools to help you, and then you mentioned that there are therapeutic
techniques that do help. Can you say something about what methods seem to
have the most effect? Pharma? Some kind of negative reinforcement?
  

    
I meant to ask that too!
  

    
RE: Getting started

Hey Jef, Michael, Sharon, frako, Eric, et al...

Thanks for diving in. I'm looking forward to chatting with you all! 
  

    
RE: OCD humor

Jef, You don't want to get me started.  I've got a million.

By the way, I think my favorite review to date is this one:  "I
enjoyed R,R,R so much, I want to read it again! ... (And again. And
again. And again...)" 
  

    

I've done that with some books - getting to the end and starting over
again for several cycles. And some music has grabbed me and danced with me
for days.  Which leads to a question - how can we differentiate normal,
temporary obsession with something and full blown OCD? Is it when the
obsession interfere's with one's life and causes you to be unhappy?

Also, how has your book changed how people interact with you?  I can
imaging reactions from acceptance to askance glances to "ah, now I
understand what before was puzzling".
  

    
RE: OCD Treatment

Typically, OCD is treated with cognitive-behavioral therapy
(CBT)--often with the aid of medication.  

CBT is a process by which a therapist helps an OC "reframe" his or her
challenges as emotional and behavioral responses based on THOUGHTS
(flawed thoughts, in the case of an OC), and not necessarily on
reality.  [You can read a much better explanation than my own at:
http://www.nacbt.org/whatiscbt.htm]

At the heart of CBT is something called "exposure/response-prevention
(ERP).  As its name suggests, the practice calls for a therapist to
expose an OC to some "trigger" situation (say a dirty doorknob, for
someone obsessed with germ issues) and then to prevent the OC from
responding with a typical compulsion (say, hand-washing, in this
doorknob example).  Essentially the idea is to decouple the compulsive
response from the obsessive thought.  Sounds pretty straightforward, I
imagine.  But, trust me, for an OC, it's the hardest thing in the
world. Because of this, medications are often prescribed to help
un-stick the stuck thoughts.  

In my own recovery, I have been on and off various medications over
the years, while pushing myself on the CBT front.  Like many OCs, I
struggled mightily with the notion of being "medicated," (another
post), but I have to tell you, I have found that meds go a long way in
helping me with the physiological aspect of looping thoughts.  With
this said, I will also share with you that I think medication treatment
alone, is NOT the answer.  It just strikes me that, one way or
another, an OC needs to learn how to reframe the obsessions and
compulsions.
  

    
Can you say more about what did and didn't work for you to "decouple"
those responses? Is that how the character Doubt works for you -
externalizing your compulsive thoughts? (Jeff has conversations with
Doubt throughout his story.)

In a book peopled with real human beings, I couldn't help but note
that  Doubt is practically your co-star, logging more time in the story
than even your wife Samantha.

(Speaking of Sam, that woman deserves some kind of award for her
compassion and tenacity. Nomination for sainthood, maybe.) 

 
  

    
>>> Essentially the idea is to decouple the compulsive
response from the obsessive thought

Breaking the pattern as it were.