Inkwell: Authors and Artists

    
I don't understand the "very difficult" part. You want a kid to pour
his/her heart out to you when you're really focused on getting dinner
ready? That's a bad bargain for a kid. Hey, for adults, too. What's
difficult about finding a second to be 100 percent present with your
kid? Parents who can't do that wind up with much greater difficulties.I
would say it holds true of all relationships. We all just want to be
listened to.
  

    

> What's
> difficult about finding a second to be 100 percent present with your
> kid?

Try to be 100% present when anyone says something to you. You find
yourself distracted by something, thinking about what you were doing
before or what you need to do after, being distracted by your body, having
random thoughts float into your brain etc.

Anyone who has ever medidatated knows what happens when you try to focus
100% on something for more than a few seconds.
  

    
I understand the difficulties of meditating for a period of time. I'm
talking about our kids, those fairly important people in our lives.
It's amazing what they will tell parents when they know parents are
listening. I don't think that's the solution to everything, but I think
it is the best way to be in touch with kids. Ten minutes of just BEING
with a child is priceless, because the child will just open up. No
amount of parental invasiveness could produce such a bond and
understanding of what is going on.

Those who meditate should have an advantage in knowing how to be
present with a child so that a child feels that presence.
  

    
Perhaps we are each taking these answers and applying them to
different-aged children and, therefore, are thinking about very
different things.

I have an 8-year-old.  There are problems she can solve, if allowed to
do so, and problems she can't possibly solve on her own.  When she was
3 years old, there were problems she could solve on her own, and
problems she couldn't possibly solve, but the list was very different. 
And when she is 13, or 17, or 20, the lists will be different again
each time.

I think it is important to let kids solve SOME problems on their own
at any age, and to be actively involved with another set at (almost)
any age.  So, you don't teach your 12-month-old to walk by holding her
vertical all day and pushing her feet around; conversely, you don't say
"go make your own dinner" when she is hungry.

But the same is true for a 16-year-old.  They can solve a lot of
problems on their own -- maybe more than we give them credit for, and
maybe that is your primary point.  But there are still SOME problems
with which, should they come up, they will need more active assistance.
  

    
I will just add that if what you are saying is that parents should at
least WAIT until their active assistance is requested (rather than just
butting in and taking ownership of the problems away from the kids),
and that it is possible to do this (for most problems and most kids)
from a fairly young age:  then absolutely, your point is very well
taken and I agree (and I try to do it -- whether I succeed as often as
I should is another question).
  

    
I don't know about you, but my kid clams up like a stone if I try to
be 100% present. Her favorite time to unburden her soul is when I'm
trying to negotiate a difficult intersection, or trying to make lunches
and  do three other things at once, or when I've just told her to pick
up her socks and go to bed already. Something about the difference
between high-beams and low-beams. 

Switching from active to coach is a *gradual* process. At six my kid
needed to be told to brush her teeth. At ten she needed to be told to
put down the video game or book and do her homework first. As she gets
older she is taking on more responsibilities and making better choices
and doing more on her own, but I still set limits and establish
baselines and play timekeeper. I don't check the *content* of her
homework, but that's at least partially because she's already
demonstrated that she is responsible about doing a good job with her
homework. If I had a kid who raced through it doing a bad job to get to
the video games, I might choose to be more intrusive. 

I think for most parents this is a matter of *degree*, not of
absolutely holding back or hovering. 
  

    
The success rate is my issue, too. I'm pretty good at letting them be *most*
of the time, but when I don't I usually go way overboard in my take over
mode.
  

    
We're definitely in the "What happened in school today?" "Nothing."
years.
  

    
Like <betsys>, my kid's favorite time to ask deep questions is at
inopportune times.

Since she was a very little girl, my response to her announcing a
problem ("I'm thirsty!" "My shoes are untied!" "I can't get this to
work!") is "Well, what are you going to do about that?" I would be
happy to help her, but she had to ask. It used to drive her dad
*crazy*, but he's one of those entitled types who expects that his
announcement of a problem is the expectation that the universe will
provide him with a solution, and I didn't want her to be like that.
Moreover, more often than not, the response to the question is
something that she'll do on her own, rather than something she wants me
to do.
  

    
Lately my kids have asked me to help them find things that they have
mislplaced.  My new answer is, "Well, if I were looking for something of
MINE, I'd actually LOOK for it.  And then I'll look in a place I haven't
looked before."  Reminds them that they should be looking for their own
things.  Oh, and maybe if they put their things away, it wouldn't be so hard
to find them.
  

    
I've been getting that, too -- another thing where I had baggage with
her dad. "Where's my..." "I dunno. It's not my responsibility to take
care of your things."
  

    
I think questions like "what happened in school today" are just way
too broad for kids to wrap themselves around. "Nothing" is much easier
than any other response. That's just not a good way to elicit
information of any kind from a kid.

And kids always ask something at an "inopportune" moment? Inopportune
for whom? "I'm thirsty," is not a major demand, and kids will
eventually learn to plan ahead on those things, but not too many 8yo's
are planning ahead on anything. 

Life with kids happens between the cracks. The more we try to be stage
managers of th eir lives, the more disappointment we will find. That's
just the nature of the venture. I think we need to take advantage of
all those (or most of them, anyway) inopportune moments and use them
for the organic conversations that spring forth. Sure, if you're in the
car about to drop your kid off while you're on the way to the
courthouse to try a case, you can't take advantage of the moment. But
you can express intent: You know, that's really important and I want to
hear about that; can we talk first thing this evening when I get home?
It will take a little time to get back into the groove, but it would
be important to keep that promise.

Looking for things that are misplaced? Definitely a kid's
responsibility. "OK, where would you be if you were your shoes?" There
are ways to motivate a kid to take on those small responsibilities.

David, this invasive parenting thing has gotten so out of hand that I
actually know a parent who intervened so much with her son that in
order to learn how to walk this perfectly healthy one-year old had to
first go to physical therapy to build up the muscles in his legs so he
could even stand. (His invasive parents, disdaining the natural course
of things, thought he was such a little prince they always propped him
up on gilded pillows all the time and wouldn't let his precious legs
crawl on the floor. Crawling is a way kids build the musculature for
walking.)
  

    

I would not call that 'invasive parenting' but something else but
whatever one calls it, it's very sad.
  

    
(my daughter had a baby-friend when she was  a baby that learned to walk on
her knees because mostly dad and mom, too were nervous that she would fall
and hurt herself.
  

    
my copy arrived today.  Read the intro .. bangf on!  Tommorrow is an
air travel day so with good luck I ought to finsih before we get to
Santa fe!  

See you all on Saturday!
  

    
Well, yes, of course one has the discussion (not "I'm thirsty" but
"Why did you and Dad get divorced?" and suchlike) when it comes up. I'm
just saying, it doesn't seem to come up at the times when I'm paying
100% attention to her.

Her dad wanted to get her a helmet when she learned to walk, for fear
she'd fall and hurt herself. Oy.
  

    
Hara, do you have hovering parents seek out your help with their over-
parenting?  I can imagine that some parents may feel intimidated or put off
by the idea that they are to blame.  I understand that it isn't meant to
sound that way, but I was wondering how parents of the obviously-wimpy-kids
react to your thesis.
  

    
in the last three weeks, i've run into three mothers who
complained with anxiety about how difficult the transition
was for their young sons to go from (one progressive child-centered
nursery school) to (another progrssive child-centered kindergarten).
i didnt say anything, but i found mshyelf thinking
'just how painful can it be to move from the buddhist in the
mountains preschool to the montessori in the valley
kindergarten?'
  

    
OMG...a helmet when learning to walk. Oy is right. Don't you wonder
how mankind ever made it to this point without helmets for walking?
Anyone who has ever spent five seconds looking at kids knows that when
kids learn to walk, they don't fall on their heads, they fall on their
bums. Their little legs give way...until those muscles are firm and
strong. They don't topple over. Again, it's a case of not paying
attention to the kid's development...just to the wildly irrational
parental fear. 

As for the question, why did you and dad get divorced coming at an
inopportune time, I can see that. I mean, no kid is going to hop in a
car and ask that. It's going to be the result of some reflection. Who
knows what the chain of associations is, but it may have something to
do with mommy putting me into my seat and the other front seat being
empty and...who knows. But have a look at it from the child's
perspective. Be amused rather than annoyed by the timing. And, better
yet, be thankful that your kid can articulate the question and even
feel it is a discussable topic. 

Lisa, I do a lot of speaking. Parent events at schools. All over the
country. All kinds of schools. The fanciest private schools. Public
schools. Bookstore gathering. Lots of radio call-in shows. You name it,
I've spoken to them. I think there are parents who are defensive. But
here's what I have found most. The parents know they are overprotecting
their kids. (There may even be a kind of chronic simmering argument
between husband and wife on this matter.) And they suspect that all
that overprotection and overinvolvement may not be so terrific for
their kids; at some level they worry that they may be harming their
kids. And why do they suspect that? Because they know they weren't
raised that way and they turned out OK.

Oh yeah, real painful to move from the buddhist in the mountains
preschool to the montessori kindergarten. But...and this is really
true...my previous book was on the social development of kids, and I
understand a lot about this...transitions ARE hard for kids. kids worry
about them. a kid can go from one school where he is comfortable to
another school that has a completely different culture and not feel
welcome there, not find a friend there. transitions are times when kids
need a little more support and encouragement...notice i didn't say
overprotection.
  

    
i do understand that transitions are hard. of course. but hearing
this out of the mouth of several mothers --- in situations
where i know the children are being looked after well,
if it were truly a bad new situation, the parents would
instantly find another alternative --- i dunno. it just
seemed to fit with this discussion, is all.. and also
ranked as 'this isnt something i used to hear 10-20
years ago'...
  

    
Paulina, I hear what you're saying. Every little experience of the
child is attended to with an excess amount of attention. and guess
what? That's not so great...because it gives kids a false sense of
their own preciousness. You're right. Parents used to save their worry
for bigger things. But now, nothing is too minor to obsess about with
regards to a child. it makes you just want to look at these parents and
scream: GET a LIFE!!!
  

    
yes
  

    
not annoyed. more like, oy, why now? But I do it when it comes up.

And yes, I'm very fortunate in that she's good at articulating her
feelings and questions and so on. 

As far as bruises, I remember when she was 2 or so we were taking her
to the pediatrician and I was expressing concern that all her bruises
would make them think we were abusing her or something, and the doctor
said, no, at this age, if they *don't* have bruises, we worry, because
it means the parents are too overprotective.
  

    
Love that.

Can you talk a little about the pschiatric scapegoating, how it appears and
what it means?
  

    
>>> And they suspect that all that overprotection and overinvolvement
may not be so terrific for their kids; at some level they worry that
they may be harming their kids. And why do they suspect that? Because
they know they weren't raised that way and they turned out OK.<<<

Hara, when you see this kind of light bulb illuminate over the head of
such a parent, what happens then? In your experience, does realization
lead to a change in parenting style? If not, why do you think not?