From The Vedgymight History of Australia by C. Below: The Non-Discovery of Australia Although Australia was very large, it remained undiscovered for a considerable length of time. 1. The Aboriginal Non-Discovery: The Aborigines were the first people not to discover Australia. They failed to discover it because the had: a. No Guns b. No Bibles c. No Diseases d. No Flags e. No Title Deeds Furthermore, they may have walked over at low tide, which would have been cheating, since Discovery has to be done by boat. In any case, it didn't count since it all happened thousands of years ago, before the Age of Discovery. Thus Australia remained undiscovered. 2. The Dutch The second people not to discover Australia were the Dutch. Considering how often the bumped into it on their way to Java, it is perhaps surprising that they never discovered it. It was, however, fortunate, as otherwise we might all be talking Dutch and be Reformed. This is why Australia is known today as the Lucky Country. Instead of discovering Australia, the Dutch nailed dinner plates to some trees and then killed one another. This was the first occurence of European Civilisation in Australia. One Dutch ship went even further South, and got a brief glimpse of a country they called Van Diemen's land, after their captain, Abel Tasman. However they failed to discover it. Instead of discovering it, they sailed on and failed to discover a country so like their native Zeeland that they called it Niewe Zeeland. When they had finished laughing at this joke they gave up sailing and became Trekers and Bores. So New Zealand got nothing out of it except a Z, and became Pakeha (1). (1) From Maori: pake = lucky + ha = country; or, according to other authorities, pa = Dutchman + keha = go home. 3. The Spaniards The third people not to discover Austalia were the Spaniards (or 'Portugese', as they are sometimes called). The Portugese (or, if you prefer, Spaniards) sailed all over the world naming everything after their saints. By the time the got to Vanu Atu (as it was not called) they had run out of Saints, so they named the biggest island there Espiritu Santo and went home to get the latest new list of Saints. This was fortunate, because Austalia was the next place they would have come to, and we might all now be speaking Spanish (or Portugese, as the Brazilians call it). 4. The French Australia was also not discovered by the great French flower-person, Bougainvillea, inventer of the Condominium, a miniature Anglo-French Letter. Thus Australia was saved from Gauguin, atom bombs and La Gloire, which is the French technical term for chronic military disaster. 5. Etcetera Australia was also not discovered by the Seafaring Chinese of the Ming Dynasty, etc., who left small deposits of personal effects on beaches and sailed away. These people are known to Historians as Etcetera. Questions: 1. Name a person who did not discover Australia. 2. Arrange in descending order: (a) Dinner plates; (b) La Gloire. 3. Assess the place of Etcetera in Australia History. Activities: 1. Walk across to Tasmania at low tide. 2. Organise a bull-fight in your neighbourhood. 3. Blow up a condominium. # rjknees@cup.portal.com # =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= The Non-Discovery of Australia -- Part 2 The Discovery of Australia In 1770, The first date in Australian History took place, it was: # 1770 # In that year, Captain Cook was sent to Tahiti to Observe the Trasit of Venus. The Transit of Venus was supposed to be something of great Importance to the British Navy. But all Captain Cool found was some dusky Tahitian maidens in grass skirts (or not, as the case may be); so he sailed on. Thus it was that Captain Cook came to Australia. His immediate impact on the Continent was similar to that of the Dutch, except that he kept on doing it over and over again. By the time he had come to Australia about three times, and found it equally hard each time, he decided that it should be discovered. Fortunately, he had with him: a. Guns b. Bibles c. Flags d. Diseases e. Title Deeds In short, all the accoutrements of Discovery. So he discovered it. He asked the inhabitants what the name of the country was, but, finding that they were black and didn't speek English, he concluded that they were Welsh. So he called the country New South Wales, and wrote it on a Title Deed. He then sailed away to Hawaii, where the local inhabitants feared he was going to discover them and got in first by hacking him to pieces. In memory of this event, the islands were called the Sandwich Islands until they were discovered properly by the Americans. Some of Cook's crew, however, managed to escape, and sailed back to England. They gave the title deeds of New South Wales to King George III, who immediately went mad. One of the main symptoms of his madness was that he started taxing the Americans, which caused a number of terrible things, including Tea Parties and Daughters of the Revolution. All this is immensely important to understanding the Causes of Modern Australia, so this paragraph must be learned by heart before going on to Part 3 of our story. Questions 1. Where was 1770? Is it still there? 2. Translate into New South Welsh: 'The All-Blacks re playing at Cardiff Arms Park'. 3. Which of the following arguments is the more persuasive: a. This is a Gun. Hands up or I shoot. b. This is a title deed. Hands up or I shoot. Activities 1. Observe the Transit of Venus. Describe how it felt. 2. Collect some saples of diseases. Paste them on your screen. 3. Hold a Tea Party. Do not invite the British. When they come, run next door and say "The British are Coming!". Then shoot them.