These are all from "The Experts Speak: The Definitive Compendium of Authoritative Misinformation", by Christopher Cerf and Victor Navasky. ---------------------- "If the motion of the earth were circular, it would be violent and contrary to nature, and could not be eternal, since nothing violent is eternal. It follows, therefore, that the earth is not moved with a circular motion." -- St. Thomas Aquinas, 1270 Animals, which move, have limbs and muscles; the earth has no limbs and muscles, hence it does not move. -- Scipio Chiaramonti, Prof. of Philosophy and Mathematics, University of Pisa, 1633 All the ills from which America suffers can be traced back to the teaching of evolution. It would be better to destroy every other book ever written, and save just the first three verses of Genesis. -- William Jennings Bryan Erection is chiefly caused by scuraum, eringoes, cresses, crymon, parsnips, artichokes, turnips, asparagus, candied ginger, acorns bruised to powder and drank in muscadel, scallion, sea shell fish, etc. -- Aristotle, "The Masterpiece" [By 1982] sex will have become much less a theme for either poetry or analysis. Much of the romanticism and all of the hypochondria on the subject will be over. -- Irwin Edman, 1932 Sex without class consciousness cannot give satisfaction, even if it is repeated until infinity. -- Aldo Brandirali, Secretary of the Italian Marxist-Leninist Party, 1973 Two Wongs don't make a white. -- Arthur Caldwell, Australian Minister for Immigration, 1947 The abolishment of pain in surgery is a chimera. It is absurd to go on seeking it. "Knife" and "pain" are two words in surgery that must forever be associated in the consciousness of the patient. -- Dr. Alfred Velpeau, 1839 Damp baths are to be eschewed except by the rich, whose diet is more refined and includes hot and dry things like good wines, strong spices, hares, partridges, and pheasants. And this in summer only, for in winter I would advise them to abstain from ordinary baths entirely. -- Francis Raspard, 1551 One half of the children born die before their eighth year. This is nature's law; why try to contradict it? -- Rousseau If excessive smoking actually plays a role in the production of lung cancer, it seems to be a minor one. -- Dr. W. C. Heuper, National Cancer Institute, 1954 There is growing evidence that smoking has pharmacological effects that are of real value to smokers. -- President of Philip Morris, Inc., 1962 For the majority of people, smoking has a beneficial effect. -- Dr. Ian G. Macdonald, quoted in Newsweek, 1963 Experimental evidence is strongly in favor of my argument that the chemical purity of the air is of no importance. -- L. Erskine Hill, quoted in the New York Times, 1912 Smoke and noise--so easy to overcome--will be held in decent check by legislation. -- Morris L. Ernst, "Utopia 1976", 1955 Approximately 80% of our air pollution stems from hydrocarbons released by vegetation. So let's not go overboard in setting and enforcing tough emissions standards for man-made sources. -- Ronald Reagan, 1980 I offer here and now to walk into Binghamton in any part of that building and swallow an entire glass of PCBs and run a mile afterward. -- Hugh Carey, Governor of New York, 1981 All the waste in a year from a nuclear power plant can be stored under a desk. -- Ronald Reagan, 1980 A nuclear war could alleviate some of the factors leading to today's ecological disturbances that are due to current high-population concentrations and heavy industrial production. -- Official in the U.S. Office of Civil Defense, 1982 Hysteria has now disappeared from Wall Street. -- The Times of London, Nov. 2, 1929 Gentlemen, you have come sixty days too late. The depression is over. -- Herbert Hoover, June 1930 If we are to begin to try and understand life as it will be in 1960, we must begin by realizing that food, clothing and shelter will cost as little as air. -- John Langdon-Davies, 1936 I don't need bodyguards. -- Jimmy Hoffa When the president does it, that means it is not illegal. -- Richard Nixon, 1977 Deomcracy will be dead by 1950. -- John Langdon-Davies, 1936 Watergate is water under the bridge. -- Richard Nixon, 1973 People are becoming too intelligent ever to have another war. Statesmen have not anything like the prestige they had years ago, and what is educating the ordinary people against war is that they are mixing so much. The motor-car, radio and such things are the great `mixers.' I believe the last war was too much an educator for there ever to be another on a large scale. -- Henry Ford, 1928 This, the greatest of all wars, is not just another war--it is the last war! -- H. G. Wells, 1914 ---- Germany and World War II ------ We rule by love and not by the bayonet. -- Dr. Joseph Goebbels, Minister of Enlightenment for the German National Socialist Party, 1936 I do not consider Hitler to be as bad as he is depicted. He is showing an ability that is amazing and he seems to be gaining his victories without much bloodshed. -- Mohandas K. Gandhi, 1940 Has there ever been danger of war between Germany and ourselves, members of the same Teutonic race? Never has it even been imagined. -- Andrew Carnegie, 1913 Defeat of Germany means defeat of Japan, probably without firing a shot or losing a life. -- Franklin D. Roosevelt, 1942 For the second time in our history, a British Prime Minister has returned from Germany bringing peace with honor. I believe it is peace for our time. Go home and get a nice quiet sleep. -- Neville Chamberlain, Prime Minister of Great Britain, 1938 This so-called war is nothing but about twenty-five people and propaganda. -- Arthur Vandenberg, U.S. Senator from Michigan, 1939 The dangers of atomic war are overrated. It would be hard on little, concentrated countries like England. In the United States we have lots of space. -- Colonel Robert McCormick, publisher of the Chicago Tribune, 1950 ---------------- Rascism --------------- Negro equality! Fudge! How long, in the Government of a God great enough to make and rule the universe, shall there continue knaves to vend, and fools to quip, so low a piece of demagogism as this. -- Abraham Lincoln, 1859 It is a biological fact that a Negro's skull ossifies by the time a Negro reaches maturity and they become unable to take in information. -- Theodore Bilbo, U.S. Senator from Mississippi, 1945 Most of the attacks upon white women of the South are the direct result of a cocaine-crazed Negro brain. -- Dr. Christopher Koch, testifying before Congress, 1914 Over cities... the aerial sentry or policeman will be found. A thousand aeroplanes flying to the opera must be kept in line and each allowed to alight upon the roof of the auditorium in its proper turn. -- Waldemar Kaempfert, Managing Editor of Scientific American, 1913 I don't go so far as to think that the only good Indians are the dead Indians, but I believe nine out of every ten are, and I shouldn't inquire too closely into the case of the tenth. -- Theodore Roosevelt, "The Winning of the West" --------------- Miscellaneous --------------- I'm sorry, Mr. Kipling, but you just don't know how to use the English language. -- Editor of the San Francisco Examiner, to Rudyard Kipling, 1889 The talking motion picture will not supplant the regular silent motion picture. There is such a tremendous investment to pantomime pictures that it would be absurd to disturb it. -- Thomas Edison, 1913 An orgy of vulgar noise. -- Louis Spohr, on Beethoven's Fifth Symphony, 1808 Far too noisy, my dear Mozart. Far too many notes. -- Emperor Ferdinand of Austria, on "The Marriage of Figaro", 1786 You ain't goin' nowhere, son. You ought to go back to drivin' a truck. -- Jim Denny, Manager of "Grand Ole Opry", to Elvis Presley, 1954 Ruth made a great mistake when he gave up pitching. Working once a week, he might have lasted a long time and become a great star. -- Tris Speaker, Manager of the Cleveland Indians, 1921 God himself could not sink this ship. -- a deckhand on the Titanic, 1912 Australia will be abandoned to the Japanese by its white inhabitants, who will return to an England capable of supporting by agriculture almost double its present population. -- Lewis Mumford, "The World Fifty Years From Now", 1932 The French people are incapable of regicide. -- King Louis XVI of France, c. 1789 A shilly-shally thing of milk and water, which could not last. -- Alexander Hamilton, on the Constitution, 1787 The Army is the Indian's best friend. -- General Custer, 1870 A sample of the leisure time goodies set before the American public this week: Safaris in Vietnam...for the Tourist Who Really Wants to Get Away From It All. -- "Leisure in the 1960s", Newsweek, 1959 Knowing of your congregation's deep involvement in the major social and constitutional issues of our country is a great inspiration to me. -- Walter Mondale, to Rev. Jim Jones Sincerity is the quality that comes through on television. -- The Washington Star, on Richard Nixon, 1955 That birds can be taught to talk better than other animals is explained by the fact that their mouths are Nordic in structure.... -- Professor Hermann Gauch, 1933 We need not hesitate to admit that the Sun is richly stored with inhabitants. -- Sir William Herschel If your eyes are set wide apart you should be a vegetarian, because you inherit the digestive characteristics of bovine or equine ancestry. -- Dr. Linard Williams, Medical Officer to the Insurance Institute of London, 1932 Bees are generated from decomposed veal. -- St. Isidore of Seville, 7th century A.D. [The next two are almost identicle, look closely!] The deliverance of the saints must take place some time before 1914. -- Charles Taze Russell, founder of the Jehovah's Witnesses, "Studies in the Scripture", 1910 edition The deliverance of the saints must take place some time after 1914. -- Charles Taze Russell, founder of the Jehovah's Witnesses, "Studies in the Scripture", 1923 edition I think the world is going to blow up in seven years. The public is entitled to a good time during those seven years. -- Henry Luce, publisher of Time, Life, and Fortune, explaining why he would publish "Sports Illustrated" If the Apostle Paul had been here Saturday...he would have enjoyed seeing the Wisconsin-Iowa football game. -- Rev. A. J. Soldan, 1926 If Christ came to Sydney today He would be on `the Hill' at cricket matches driving home the lessons of the game. One can imagine Christ reminding the crowd that Satan was the deadliest and most determined googley bowler of all time. -- Rev. T. MicVittie, 1937 You'd better learn secretarial work or else get married. -- Emmeline Snively, to Marilyn Monroe, 1944 Russian women are never more pleased than when receiving a drubbing at the hands of their husbands. -- J. Richardson Parke, Sc.B., Ph.G., M.D., 1906 When a woman becomes a scholar there is usually something wrong with her sexual organs. -- Nietzsche Sensible and responsible women do not want to vote. The relative positions to be assumed by man and woman in the working out of our civilization were assigned long ago by a higher intelligence than ours. -- Grover Cleveland, 1905 Nature intended women to be our slaves. They are our property. They belong to us, just as a tree that bears fruit belongs to a gardener. What a mad idea to demand equality for women! Women are nothing but machines for producing children. -- Napoleon Bonaparte Let no one say that because we have these parts, that the female body is shaped this way and the male that way, the one to receive, the other to give seed, sexual intercourse is allowed by God. For if this arrangement were allowed by God, to whom we seek to attain, He would not have pronounced the eunuch blessed. -- Julius Cassianus, 2nd century A.D. Woman's participation in political life would involve the domestic calamity of a deserted home and the loss of the womanly qualities for which refined men adore women and marry them. Doctors tell us, too, that thousands of children would be harmed or killed before birth by the injurious effect of untimely political excitement on their mothers. -- Henry T. Finck, 1901