HENNY YOUNGMAN SCHTICK

PUTDOWNS
You have a ready wit. Let me know when it's ready.

The more I think of you the less I think of you.

It's good to see you. It means you're not behind my back.

You're one of the main reasons for twin beds.

He's a real pain in the neck; of course, some people have a lower
opinion of him.

He's a real gentleman. He reminds me of Saint Paul, one of the
dullest towns in America.

JEWISH JOKES
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

In New York's Garment District, a little old man was hit by a car.
While waiting for an ambulance, the policeman tucked a blanket under
the guy's chin and asked, "Are you comfortable?"  The man said, "I
make a nice living."

Camp Hiawatha, Camp Seneca  --  that's where the Jewish kids go for
the summer. Camp Ginsberg is where the Indian kids go.

TAKE MY WIFE . . .
When my wife asked me to start a garden, the first thing I dug up was
an excuse.

My wife will buy anything marked down. She brought home two dresses
and an escalator.

I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn't want to interrupt
her.

I took my wife to a wife-swapping party. I had to throw in some cash.

I miss my wife's cooking  --  as often as I can.

A woman wrapped herself in Saran Wrap to take weight off. Her husband
comes home, sees her, and says, "Leftovers again!"

UGLINESS
Would you mind looking at me? I've got the hiccups.

When you were born did the doctor know which end to slap?

Be it ever so homely, there's no face like yours.

STUPIDITY
Two dumb guys go bear hunting. They see a sign saying, "Bear Left,"
so they went home.

What's the latest dope  --  besides you?

I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works.

Can you really afford to give anybody a piece of your mind?

CLOTHES
Was that suit made to order? The guy didn't pick it up, huh?

That's a nice suit you're wearing. When did the clown die?

I like the suit you're wearing. Who shines it for you?

DOCTORS
A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy." The
man says, "I want a second opinion!" "OK, you're ugly, too!"

My doctor put his hand on my wallet and said, "Cough."

A guy says to a doctor, "I'm having trouble with my love life at
home."

The doctor says, "Take off 20 pounds and run 10 miles a day for two
weeks." Two weeks later, the guy calls the doctor, "Doctor, I took
off 20 pounds and I've been running 10 miles a day."  "How's your
love life now?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"

LAWYERS
A man can't find a lawyer. He picks up the Red Book, picks out a law
firm  --  Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz & Schwartz. Calls up, he says,
"Is Schwartz there?" A guy says, "No, he's out playing golf." He
says, "All right, then let me talk to Schwartz."  "He's not with the
firm anymore.  He's retired."  "Then let me talk to Schwartz."  "He's
away in Detroit, won't be back for a month."  "OK, then let me talk to
Schwartz."   He says, "Speaking!"

I still love the oldie about the convict who was going to the
electric chair and called his lawyer for some advice. The barrister
replied, "Don't sit down!"

AIR TRAVEL
The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"

CHARITY
A panhandler says to me, "Mister, I haven't tasted food in a week.
I said, "Don't worry, it still tastes the same."

A panhandler says, "I haven't eaten in two days."   I said, "Force
yourself!"

DRINKING
My father was never home; he was always away drinking booze. He saw
a sign saying, "Drink Canada Dry!" So he went up there.

My mother was 88 years old. She never used glasses. Drank right out
of the bottle!

GOODBYE
Your presence makes me long for your absence.

Some people bring happiness wherever they go. You bring happiness
WHENEVER you go.

I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

DEATH
He willed his body to science. Science is contesting the will.