"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video
camera and come help me."
	-- Bobcat Goldthwait

"Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to
listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they'= re
eating sandwiches."
	-- Jim Carrey

"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork.
I'm sorry, what was that last one?  Don't eat pork.  God has spoken.
Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?"
	-- Jon Stewart

"I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans
were running the country.  Which is turning out to be like shooting
yourself in the head to stop your headache."
	-- Jack Mayberry

"I have six locks on my door all in a row.  When I go out, I lock every
other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the
locks, they are always locking three."
	-- Elayne Boosler

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat
it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they
should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and
before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
	-- Bob Ettinger

"I don't know what's wrong with my television set.  I was getting C-Span
and the Home Shopping Network on the same station.  I actually bought a
congressman."
	-- Bruce Baum

"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use
language that makes him the dominant species on the planet.  That may be.
But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals.  We
aren't afraid of vaccuum cleaners."
	-- Jeff Stilson

"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's
how dogs spend their lives."
	-- Sue Murphy

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is
suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best
friends.  If they are okay, then it's you."
	-- Rita Mae Brown

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent
image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over
it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of
the body before you do the wash."
	-- Jerry Seinfeld

"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket.  'You
know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered.  I replied in a
psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have
to kill you too."
	-- Jake Johansen

"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."
	-- Lily Tomlin

"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war.
Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss
Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there.
Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me,
the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off.  I've got the toe
clippers right here.'"
	-- Jerry Seinfeld

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my
fishburger and I realize, Oh my God...  I could be eating a slow learner."
	-- Lynda Montgomery

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
	-- Paul Rodriguez