THINGS YOU WON'T HEAR A SOUTHERNER SAY:

We don't keep firearms in this house.
Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer?
You can't feed THAT to the dog.

I thought Graceland was tacky.

No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.
Wrasslin's fake.

Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
We're vegetarians.

Do you think my hair is too big?

I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
Honey, these bonsai trees need watering?
Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
Deer heads detract from the decor.

Spitting is such a nasty habit.

I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
Trim the fat off that steak.

Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
The tires on that truck are too big.
I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
I've got it all on a floppy disk.

Unsweetened tea tastes better.

Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
Checkmate.

She's too old to be wearing that bikini.
Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
I don't have a favorite college team.
I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.

Elvis who?

Tips for Northerners Moving South
     1.   Save all manner of bacon grease.  You will be instructed
     later how to use it.
     2.  If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her)
     as "Bubba".  You have a 75% chance of being right.
     3.  Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not
     mean we can.  Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
     4.  If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic.  Four
     men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow
     chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them.  Just stay out of
     their way.  This is what they live for.
     5.  Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the
     same store.
     6.  Do not buy food at the movie store.
     7.  If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking,
     let alone eating.
     8.  Remember:  "Y'all" is singular.  "All y'all" is plural.
     "All  y'all's" is plural possessive.
     9.  There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a
     southern accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.
     10. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are
     you?"
     11.  People walk slower here.
     12.  Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone.  They
     don't understand you either.
     13.  The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted
     Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol'
     truck" or "big ol' boy".  Eighty-five percent begin their new southern
     influenced dialect with this expression.  One hundred percent are in
     denial about it.
     14.  The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no
     longer  proper.
     15.  Be advised:  The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here. 16.
     If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay
     until  the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
     17.  If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch
     this!" stay out of his way.  These are likely the last words he will
     ever say.
     18.  Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore
     those who do.  In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a
     southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the
     car was purchased.
     19.  Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside
     of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
     20.  The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September
     can wait until November.
     21.  If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even
     the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence
     is required at the local grocery store.  It does not matter if you
     need anything from the  store, it is just something you're supposed to
     do.
     22.  Satellite dishes are very popular in the South.  When you
     purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer.
      This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more
     than the trailer and should, therefore,
     be displayed.
     23.  Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have
     a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a
     trailer.
     24.  Florida is not considered a southern state.  There are
     far more Yankees than Southerners living there.
     25.  In southern churches you will hear the hymn, "All Glory,
     Laud and Honor". You will also hear expressions such as, "Laud, Have
     mercy", "Good Laud",  and "Laudy, Laudy, Laudy".
     26.  As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph
     zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned
     to drive on a model of vehicle known as
     John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the
     vehicle.
     27.  You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you
     already know the positions of key hills, trees, rocks, and where
     buildings used to stand, you're better off trying to find it yourself.

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough
(they couldn't afford a larger double-wide).
So, the husband went to his doctor, (who also treated mules) and told him
that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could
fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb
(fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold
the can
up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I
don't
see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help
me."
So the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion.

The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a
vasectomy
when he noticed they were from Alabama. This doctor instead then told the
man to go
home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his
ear and count
to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong the man went home,
lit a cherrybomb
and put it into a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to
count.
"1, 2, 3, 4, 5, . . .", at which point he paused, placed the beer can
between his legs and
resumed counting on his other hand....