I took the call.
Date: Fri, 31 Jan 1997 01:23:09 -0500
From: Matthew Cales (lavender@xxxxxxx.com)
Here's a true "in the butt" story that I had the good fortune
to be a part of. I don't have any documented proof to offer, but
I'm sure the they still have the log entries at the RAF Mildenhall Fire
Department.
Way back in 1989 I was active duty Air Force working in the alarm room
at RAF Mildenhall Fire Dept. Late one night I got a call from a distressed
woman claiming that three "mates" had assaulted her husband.
I rang out the rescue truck to respond to the housing area for a man who
had been beat up by three men. Later, I discovered that the woman
meant sexually assaulted.
Upon investigation, the rescue unit found that the man had a carrot
stuck inside his butt. And upon even further investigation, the rescue
unit discovered the woman was lying about the three men. The truth
was that the couple had been drinking and decided to fool around with a
carrot and it got lost inside the man's rectum.
That's my story.
thanx,
Matthew Lavender Cales
Date: Sun, 30 Jun 1996 01:00:48 -0700
From: XXXX XXXXX
To: cynsa@well.com
Subject: another good story...
I worked for three years as a an
emergency medical
technician on the San Francisco Peninsula. My original partner has
progressed and is now a licensed paramedic in San Francisco proper. His
favorite call story involves being called code-3 to a residence by county
communications for a 32 year old male. According to the dispatcher, the
patient was complaining of a sudden onset of lower-quadrant abdominal
pain. When the team arrived at the residence, they found the man on the
toilet wincing with pain and telling them that he had done something
"really stupid." On examination, the team found that the man had a frozen
fish up his ass. The man had inserted the fish, head-first up his rectum
from out of the freezer. After two or three "strokes," as he put it, it
thawed out enough that the dorsal fin extended, making removal next to
impossible. As professional as medical personnel often are required to
be, my friend admitted that they both laughed out loud when they realized
the predicament. When the patient looked at them in anguish, my friend
could not contain it - "sir," he said: "You really should chew your food a
little better!" He said the patient winced and laughed with them.
-PK
From despair@xxxxxxxx.xxx Fri Jul 11 15:43:19 1997
Date: Sat, 05 Jul 1997 22:12:57 -0700
From: The Comtesse DeSpair
To: cynsa@well.com
Subject: Case Study
Dearest Sicko,
I am a patron of your Rectal Foreign Bodies Page and I have found it
amusing because I have read many similar accounts during my career
working as a Medicare processor. I just stumbled upon an old operative
report that I thought you might find amusing. I had copied it back in
1992 and thought I had lost it forever before my discovery this
evening. I find it very amusing... and I shall quote it verbatim for
your entertainment. I've changed the name of the patient for
confidentiality reasons. I'm sure you understand...
************************************************************************
November 24, 1992
Dear Medicare:
This letter is in response to the operative report of November 5, 1992
that you requested.
Mr. Doe was seen in this office on November 5, 1992 at which time he
said that a screwdriver had gone up his rectum. He was examined and
found to have some abrasions around the rectal area. A digital
examination revealed the slot end of the screwdriver in the rectal
antrum. An anus scope was used to identify the screwdriver end of the
rectum. The screwdriver was approximately six inches in length with a
black plastic handle. The patient stated he was taking a shower, sat
down on a chair and the screwdriver entered his rectal area. There was
no evidence of any bleeding in the rectal ampulla. The patient was
advised to do hot soaks at home and return to the office if necessary.
Mr. Doe was seen again on November 9, 1992 at which time he was
symptom-free and had no apparent problems.
Sincerely,
Dr. Smith
************************************************************************
I think the words, "Yeah, right" sum it up, don't you?
Typhoid Mary
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