BORG LEADER, B1LL G8S OUTS JEAN-"LOC" PICARD AT WIN2K LAUNCH
REDMOND, WA - In a stunning PR move that some are calling "pure evil genius," Borg Collective CEO, B1LL G8S outed previously closeted Jean-Luc "Locutus" Picard during Thursday's official launch of Windows 2000.
Picard, who plays a Shakespearean actor on the television show "Real Life", is the former captain of the Starfire Enterprise, a conceptual subsidiary of the Sun Microsystems Federation. In 1993 Picard, lured by lucrative stock options, was captured and transported to the Borg Cube in Redmond, Washington. There his login was changed to "Locutus" and he was subjected to a forced upgrade that saddled him with a burdensome and bug-ridden operating system.
In a daring raid in Federation Court, Admiral Scott McNealy and a small away group of Silicon Valley CEOs, armed only with hockey sticks, managed to recapture Picard, who was delivering subpoenaed Borg email. He was brought back to the Federation's Dumbarton Academy, where his cables were yanked and a Java microprocessor was embedded. All was thought back to normal until this past week's shocking re-defection.
G8S was quoted saying, "I think there's no doubt that over the next couple of years all the business desktops will move to Windows 2000, whether that's upgrading the system in place or getting new hardware that's got Windows 2000 installed."
Translation: you will be assimilated.
All hope is not lost in the Federation, however. Windows 2000 is reported to have close to 65,000 bugs, affectionately referred to as "issues" by the Borg marketing and public relations drones. 21,000 of these are "postponed" problems, potentially serious glitches or user-befuddling functions. Another 27,000 have been given the cutesy Borg designation, "BugBug," which means stuff they left "unfinished" or that which as been "long forgotten." *
The full skinny on the Borg Bugs can be found in an article on ZDNet.
Rebel leader, Subcommander Linus Torvalds, could not be reached for comment.
- Jim Leftwich, Orbit Interaction
* special thanx to Gareth Branwyn, fearless leader of neoWobbly outpost, Street Tech
Join the fight against User Surly products and software! Street Tech's new "Anti User Surly" propaganda now available!
©2000 Jim Leftwich / Modern Monkey - All Rights Reserved / All Wrongs Reversed
Return to the Modern Monkey Archive