ACUPUNCTURE is an ancient Chinese medical technique of healing people by sticking them with needles. Western doctors have recently discovered Acupuncture and find it similar to their more modern technique of sticking patients with large medical bills.

Western doctors are now using Acupuncture to block the sensation of pain, while the Chinese use it to remove the causes of pain.

Naturally such inscrutable Oriental purposes have no appeal to doctors or their accountants.

A is for AEROBICS

AEROBICS are exercises led by bouncy young women in designer leotards who scream and smile a lot.

You can tell the people that are being taught Aerobics because they do not look like bouncy young women in designer leotards who scream and smile a lot. They look like people who grunt and groan a lot and tell themselves that some day they too will be bouncy young women.

Sure. We know lots of people who've gotten younger. Don't you?

A is for AKASHIC RECORDS

The AKASHIC RECORDS are a great big VCR in the sky that records everything that ever happens, particularly about you. (Yes, even that time when you thought you were all alone in your room is there).

The Akashic Records are sometimes confused with Santa Claus' files which, of course, tell him if you've been "naughty or nice."

They are not the same. With Santa's records, you at least stand a 50% chance of getting goodies. The Akashic Records are Cosmically Impartial - no prezzies.

A is for ARMAGEDDON

ARMAGEDDON is the End of the World As We Know It. As a matter of fact, some people think it will be the End of the World as Anybody Knows It.

Whatever it is, there's no doubt that it will mean Big Changes. If you're optimistic, these big changes will lead to the New Age. If you're pessimistic, they'll lead to.....well, let's just say that as bad as it might be now, it's a lot better than wha t it could lead to.

Some people look forward to Armageddon. They are called Pentecostals and Armageddonists.

Some of them are also called high members of our government.

A is for ASTROLOGY

ASTROLOGY uses the movement and positions of the planets to tell people what they are like and what is going to happen to them.

For astrological purposes the Earth is considered to be the center of the solar system (Well, Astrology isn't exactly an exact science).

A person who studies Astrology is called an Astrologer. Being an Astrologer is not easy. It takes hard work, great sensitivity, a clear, analytical mind, and the ability to keep a straight face.

Astrology gives people an explanation of why things are happening to them. People appreciate this because then they can blame everything on the planets.

"Thank God, I thought it was my fault. It was just my Mars conjuncting Jupiter."

A is for ATLANTIS

ATLANTIS was a continent that disappeared under the ocean a long time ago, along with all its inhabitants. Atlanteans were Very Advanced, but apparently they made a Big Mistake.

Some people say we should learn from that and not make a Big Mistake again. Some people think Atlantis' Big Mistake was misusing nuclear energy.

Are you going to misuse your nuclear energy? Certainly not. Neither are we. Everything's fine at our house. Looks like things are all right this time, doesn't it?

A is for AURA

AURAS are fields of energy around our bodies which most of us can't see. All genuine New Age people believe in Auras, although few can see them. Auras have different colors. You can tell how highly evolved people are by the color of their auras.

However, there are so many different theories about Auras that people are confused about which colors are better than others, which of course is very important to New Age People. Everybody does agree that having any color of Aura is better than having no ne at all.

Here is the final definitive, scientific rating of Aura colors:

• White
  Forget it. They're avoiding you. You wouldn't know one if it bit you.
  
• Violet
  Very, very high. If you see someone with a violet aura, try to ingratiate yourself.
  
• Blue
  Highly conscious, although somewhat pompous.
  
• Blue-Green
  Semi-conscious. Fun at parties.
  
• Green
  Reasonably conscious. Very healthy. Fond of plants.
  
• Yellow
  Average. Some hope for evolution, although unlikely to be interested in it.
  
• Orange
  Has moments of consciousness. Uninspired sexual partner.
  
• Red
  Passionate and quick tempered, but not very b-r-i-g-h-t.
  
• Brown
  Traditionally referred to as "robot-consciousness". Often successful in politics. California has produced two presidents like this.
  
• Black
  Unpleasant at best. Avoid them.