to Talk
New Age


FIREWALKING is walking on hot coals in bare feet. Ouch! Yes, that's what we said.

People pay to learn how to walk on hot coals so that they can learn to transcend the petty limitations of their beliefs. They believe that once they believe they can walk on hot coals they can believe anything.

We believe that too.


In the New Age we will all live in a GLOBAL VILLAGE. This means that everybody will be connected with everybody else and that instead of having lots of little governments that nobody likes, we will have one big government which for some reason everybody is expected to like.

When we have one big Global Village, everybody will be a Citizen of the World, and we won't need passports any more.

According to some sources, a simple mark on the forehead will be sufficient.

G is for GOD

GOD is the One who started it all. Many people still carry a grudge about that.

He is also the One who made all the rules. This upsets many people who would rather make their own rules. These people have decided that God doesn't exist. Fortunately for them, He hasn't done the same.

Many New Age People want to find God, although they have a hard time explaining how they lost Him in the first place. According to most reports, God would not be easy to misplace.

Perhaps people figure it's more fun to look for Him than to find Him.

G is for GRANOLA

GRANOLA is a favorite food of New Age People. They eat it because it is healthy and makes them more conscious.

Horses have been eating stuff like Granola for years. How many highly conscious horses have you met?

G is for GURU


A GURU is a person who teaches you things. It has been said that everyone is your Guru. This of course implies that you are everyone else's Guru as well. Have you been shirking your responsibilities? You better get on with it.

Being a Guru is a serious business. At least most of the better-known Gurus are serious about their business.

Just ask their accountants.


HARE KRISHNAs are people who used to shave their heads and stand on street corners beating drums and raising money to help the needy. Since Hare Krishnas considered themselves very needy, they had a good incentive to do this.

The Hare Krishnas chanted the name of God on street corners. This made many people very annoyed. They think God is a Special Being who should stay in Special Places like churches, where He belongs.


HEALTH FOOD is what all New Age People try to eat. Health Food makes them radiant, clear-eyed, mucus-free, and regular.

All official Health Food is organic, which means the guy who sells it claims it has no dirty-old chemical and artificial things in it. Health Food usually costs a bundle.

Eating Health Food gives a New Age Person such a healthy, sensitive body that it absolutely freaks out if it takes in something unhealthy.

Considering our environment, would you really like to have a body like that?


HOLISTIC means "encompassing the whole." It is a favorite word of New Age People and there's no end to the fun ways you can use it. Like "holistic healing," "holistic education," "holistic nutrition," and "holistic relationship."

Of course "holistic" is always used with words that make it redundant. But that's half the charm of the New Age Person's vocabulary, isn't it?

I is for I CHING

The I CHING is a very old Chinese book. People throw coins and then read in the I Ching what their future will be and what they should do about it.

This is considered to be much more profound than flipping a coin.

J is for JESUS

JESUS was a man who lived almost 2000 years ago. He was killed because he said things that people didn't like.

Today almost everyone agrees with the things he said. Since these ideas are no longer controversial, nobody pays much attention to them.

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Copyright © 1996 (and earlier) by Mick Winter