OM is a New Age Word. In fact, it is a Very New Age Word. When someone chants Om, that person becomes One With The Universe.

Because it is a very powerful word, you should not repeat Om more than 1728 times at one sitting. If you do, you might become so One With The Universe that you will never....ever....come...back.

You've been warned.

O is for OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE

An OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE is known in the New Age trade as an OBE. (This is not to be confused with the OBE that the Queen of England hands out. That is an Order of the British Empire which is usually given for a totally different kind of experience.)

An Out of Body Experience is when you go someplace, but your body doesn't. Now if you think you are your body, this probably sounds confusing. But it doesn't confuse a New Age Person.

When you have an OBE, you leave your physical body behind and travel in your Astral body. This is also called Astral Travel. Your physical and astral bodies are connected by a silver cord.

Be very careful not to break this cord, or you will never get back in your physical body. This could be very inconvenient if you still have plans for that body.

Oops, careful. Don't step on that cord.

P is for POWER SPOTS

POWER SPOTS are places on the planet that have extra special energy. New Age people are fascinated by Power Spots because New Age people think energy is, like, wow.

Power Spots include places like Stonehenge, the Great Pyramid, Machu Picchu, Mt. Shasta, and Shirley MacLaine's birthplace.

New Age People are convinced that Power Spots are directly connected with: 1) Ancient civilizations 2) Secret societies 3) Flying saucers, and 4) Planetary Chakras (See CHAKRA).

New Age People like to visit Power Spots because they consider them places for 1) Great Meditation 2) Great Sex 3) Great Shopping, and 4) Great Meditative Sex.

Power Spots are not places like the White House, the Kremlin, Wall Street, Hollywood, and your neighbor nuclear plant. New Age People consider those places to be low energy spots.

What do you think? Which kinds of places do you think have the most power?

P is for PRANA

PRANA is what we breathe. Ah-ha. You thought we breathed air, didn't you? That is just a ruse to fool your lungs.

Actually the important thing is the Prana in the air, which is all those little white sparkly things that your eye doctor tells you are just nerve endings twitching in your eyes.

Prana is the energy that keeps everything going. Unfortunately, most of our Prana is surrounded by grungy stuff called air pollution which comes in at the same time. So the more Prana you get, the more grunge you get.

The result is a very energetic dying body.

P is for PSYCHIC SURGERY

PSYCHIC SURGERY is surgery without a scalpel. A Psychic Surgeon runs his hands over your body and pulls out things from the inside.

A Psychic surgeon calls the things that he removes manifestations of blocked energy. Plain old non-psychic surgeons call these things chicken livers.

Many Psychic Surgeons are from the Philippines. They are almost as popular as Imelda Marcos's shoe collection. But far more useful.

After all, who do you know who has been healed by a pair of red satin pumps?

P is for PYRAMIDS

PYRAMIDS are pointy things made out of stone. They are found in Egypt and many other parts of the world.

After several thousand years people have discovered that the Pyramids were built for something other than dead Pharaohs. Pyramids sharpen razor blades, make cigarettes milder, improve the taste of wine, and make for better sex and meditation, which pretty much offers something for everyone.

Pyramids are obviously a great substitute for hard work and patience, so many New Age People are very fond of Pyramids.

New Age Technology marches on.

Q is for QUAHOG

QUAHOGS are thick-shelled clams. No one, with the possible exception of most Quahogs, gives a damn if there are Quahogs in the New Age.

Q is for QUAKE

QUAKE is short for Earthquake, or as they say in California, "The Big One."

When the Quake happens, California will go splash, a fairly noticeable sign that the New Age is on its way, with some minor inconveniences in between - like war, famine, pestilence, volcanic eruptions, and a shortage of good Chardonnay.

As Californians all think they already live in the New Age,they don't exactly see the Quake as an improvement. But it sounds so exciting none of them want to miss it.

It's unlikely many of them will.

R is for REICH

Wilhelm REICH was a German scientist who came to America to escape Fascism. He was later captured by the United States Food and Drug Administration because they didn't agree with his scientific theories.

In the true give-and-take spirit of scientific debate, they proved their theories were right by burning all of Reich's books and papers and throwing him in jail, where he eventually died.

Many people now think that Reich was one of the Great New Age Thinkers of the Century.

(Sorry, Wilhelm. They were all busy at the time.)

R is for REINCARNATION

REINCARNATION means that after we die we come back in a new body for another lifetime, then we die, then we come back again and so on, over and over.

All these bodies are human bodies. Some people think Reincarnation means coming back as an animal. That is called Transmigration and is very, very unusual. It will happen only if you Really Screw Up. As long as you don't commit the One Cardinal Sin, y ou'll be all right. (You're not committing it, are you?)

Supposedly we keep reincarnating until we learn our lessons, whatever they may be. Since most of us are a little slow at catching on to things, we've been doing this for millions of years. This is called being on the Wheel of Karma.

Some people think Reincarnation is a great excuse for waiting till the next lifetime to do anything. Others, who have gotten bored with the whole thing, figure they'd just as soon get off the Wheel of Karma now.

They might not be in such a hurry if they knew what the next Wheel is like.