Inkwell: Authors and Artists

    
But who's that cute babe with the red hair and the great clothes and all the
dogs? The one who has filled her friends' homes with foster dogs, even.
Is she a bot? An imposter? And damn she gets that timing just right at
all of those readings.
  

    

We didn't pay Henson Studios all that money for *nothing*, ya know. 
  

    

This is all getting too cosy.

Cynthia, what's next in American humor, and where do you get your ideas?
  

    

Reached by phone, Heimel responded, "What's next for my ASS." I think she is
just surly about her bugspray-smelling hotel though. I am sure that when she
changes digs she will give my question the consideration it deserves.
  

    

I think she meant "MYASS."
  

    


Cynthia,

Someone once called me a tramp and all it did was make me think of the tramp
song.   I'm waiting to receive your book from my friend who doesn't think I
need any tips except when I sleep too much and can't make him believe it's
only because it's so damn comfortable there where I sleep too much.

Do you talk about trust and/or dancing in your book?

And, Philadelphia is still here waiting for you around the corner from the
Ritz and across the street from the Ritz.
  

    

Cynthia,

I am a writer (sometimes).  People tell me I am a good writer.  I have
written funny stuff on occasion.

I would like to learn to write really funny stuff all the time.  But these
days, my life isn't really funny.

Whaddya think?
  

    

Get a [different] life?
  

    

Hypothetically speaking, Ms. Heimel, how am I supposed to react if I imagine
somebody's talking about me behind my back in a world-readable forum about
you called "Advanced Sex Tips for Girls:  This Time It's Personal."

IT'S GETTING A LITTLE TOO PERSONAL FOR ME.

But maybe it's just my imagination.  I'll defer to your judgment.
  

    
How can it be behind your back in a world-readable forum?
  

    

Even worse, what is a question about me doing in Cynthia Heimel's topic?
  

    

>How can it be behind your back in a world-readable forum?<

The particularly complex logic of paranoia easily permits it.
  

    

Dalling, what *is* next for your ass?
  

    
What was the best question you were asked while on the road? Besides the 
guy who asked if math makes you hot.
  

    

Ms. Heimel -- did some guy actually ask you that or did <kayo> make that up?
  

    

I heard there were some weirdos at your readings so far. What is your 
advice for dealing with weirdos?
  

    

hello!

I can't answer specific questions tonight (9ish in NYC) because I am so
tired I am dizzy and nauseous.

the chicago reading was not great.  like 20 people there.  All major sweet
fans though so we sat and talked.  So then I was scared about the NY
reading.

But there was a HUGE AMOUNT of PEOPLE there and of course a crazed weirdo
who read what I wrote about condoms in STFG, and then wanted to know my
personal experience with condoms, did I mind when they bunched up etc.  He
looked like a quiet guy next door, which of course means he's a pedophile at
least.

They didn't really laff as much as other audiences.  Trish my editor said it
was like they were in church, worshipping.  I of course love this totally as
an explanation.

I had two bad hotels, the bug spray one was pretty scary, especially the
stains on the bedspread, and the marcel hotel was okay but they didn't give
me a crucial fax so I kept being surprised this morning at dawn by new and
different radio interviewers.  Now I'm staying with my friend michael in an
actual NYC apartment and having a really good time.  He has a entire view of
manhattan below 12th street, bridges, everything.

dalling, about the next thing in humor.  that is a trick question.  since
the reason it will be the new thing in humor is that nobody ever saw it
before.  the last new thing in humor I feel was the Onion, which is so
heavenly.

I wish fran lebowitz would write another book and knock everybody in the
eye.

I just got a cool assignment from Yahoo Internet Life mag and I am pleased.

Good night everybody, back early tomorrow unless I have to be hospitalized
with exhaustion.

vardley thank you for calling me brave.  was that in this conf?
  

    


okay I am better and ready to chat!  How's everybody doing?  Isn't NYC the
greatest city on earth?
  

    
What's so great about it?
  

    

people are there.  they are on the streets.  they talk to you.  they walk
fast.  you know where you are.  you know where the center of town is.

everybody has lovely attitude.  there are greek coffee shops that deliver.
there are dogs and dogs and dogs, it's the new obsession among baby boomers.
there are clothes clothes clothes and taxi and blaring and dirt and it
's all so fabulous.
  

    

viv:  I'm worried about you sleeping a lot.  Are you maybe depressed?  What
do you think?
  

    

viv there is not exactly dancing in the new book, just the first one.  But
the second one has other things.  Like plenty about  abusive relationships.
  

    

Dearest Cynthia,

Is it true that you will soon be on the Sally Jessy Raphael show?
What are you going to say?
  

    

why christine of all people!  I am doing a top ten list for Sally Jesse.  I
am such a hobag, I had to write it all dirty as per their specifications so
I did.


top ten sextips for girls

10. fondling a man's privates is not like testing peaches in the
supermarket.
9.    Oral sex is a great way to tone up your cheekbones.

8.    If you suck on his fingers, you'd better not be kidding.

7.    No whips and handcuffs before the third date.

6.    Baby talk is NOT an aphrodisiac.

5.    Never, ever go to bed with a man on the first date.  Not ever.
       Unless you really want to.

4.    No matter  what he says, deep throating does not exist.

3.    A man who can't kiss can't fuck.

2.    Never ask if it's in yet.

1.     Get into bed upside down



I dunno.
  

    

Mr. Gans:  funny is in the eye of the beholder.  Meaning that you must look
at things in a funny way.  remember way back up there when I mentioned
abusive relationships?  I shouldn't have, because they are never supposed to
be funny right hahaha?

so Mr. Gans you are a funny guy and you can write about cats or shoes or
guitar picks and you can be funny if you know what I'm saying.