KARMA is what happens when you do something. If you do something nice, you get nice back. If you do something wicked, you're up a creek.
Of course you may not get it until another lifetime, at which time you'll probably have forgotten how it started and ask "Why me?"
Karma is a Cosmic Law. That means you can ignore it all you want but there's no way you can get away from it.
But keep on trying if you like.
It passes the time.
K is for KUNDALINI
KUNDALINI is a serpent of energy curled up at the base of the spine which rises when one meditates on it. When one gets really good at it, the Kundalini comes all the way up the spine, frazzles the brain, and leaps out the top. This is considered very d esirable by people who practice Kundalini.
Lots of people practicing Kundalini have been so successful that they are now living in nice, quiet places where they can be with others like themselves. (See LSD).
L is for LEVITATION
LEVITATION means defying the law of gravity and floating above the ground. There are now people who will teach you how to levitate. Apparently the method involves relieving yourself of certain unessential encumbrances (tens, twenties, fifties) thereby l ightening your essential self.
Levitation, incidentally, is how the Egyptians built their pyramids (See PYRAMIDS). People often wonder how they carried those big stones up the steps of half-finished pyramids.
They built them from the top down.
L is for LOVE
LOVE is what the New Age is all about. True New Age People love everyone. You can tell this because they smile very sweetly, speak in soft, gentle voices, radiate total acceptance, and forgive you immediately for all your faults.
If you enjoy this sort of Pure Saintly Behavior you are a New Age Person and deserve to be around it. However, if Pure Saintly Behavior drives you up a wall, and your idea of Love is a little more lively than that, we suggest you look elsewhere for compa nionship.
After all, there are still a few good years of pre-New Age left to enjoy.
L is for LSD
LSD is something people swallow to go to different spaces. It is kind of a Cosmic Rapid Transit System.
Lots of people decided they liked those spaces so much, they would stay where they were.
Where they are now is in nice, quiet homes with nice people to look after them.
M is for MAHARISHI
MAHARISHI is the nice man who is in charge of Transcendental Meditation (See TM). He loves flowers, perfume, incense, and little children. He is a very popular man who can often be seen on TV talk shows.
Maharishi is almost like Mom and Apple Pie, and we think we better not say any more here before we check with our lawyers.
M is for MASSAGE
MASSAGE is a New Age Person's excuse for touching someone else's body. People do this because it feels good. Because they are getting a Massage, which is very spiritual, they don't have to feel guilty about it.
We need more good ideas like Massage.
M is for MEDITATION
Some people say that Meditation, like Valium, works best taken twice a day in small doses. Others say that you should do it more often than that. They think you can cope much better with the world if you spend all of your time sitting on a cushion stari ng at a blank wall.
Some people call this Escapism. New Age People call it Finding One's True Self.
N is for NATURE
NATURE is often called Mother Nature because she looks after us and gives us everything we need to live. Most of us aren't too appreciative of this, however, and spend lots of time doing things to Mother Nature that aren't very nice. This is called Oedipal Fulfillment.
If you treated your mother like this, what do you think she would do? That's right.
Let's all hope Mother Nature is more tolerant.
N is for NUCLEAR WEAPONS
NUCLEAR WEAPONS are things that go boom. They go boom like nothing ever went boom before.
If Nuclear Weapons go boom, the New Age goes fizzle.
Which would you rather have? New Age...or No Age.
N is for NUMEROLOGY
NUMEROLOGY is the science of Numbers. No, it's not like Arithmetic. That is a different kind of science. Numerology is about the meaning of numbers.
Each number from 1 to 9 has a special meaning. Your name has its own special number. If you add up all its letters (A=1, B=2, and so on), you'll get a number that tells you your life's path.
If you don't like that particular path, you can change your name and get a new one that gives you a better path.
You don't think Arnold Schwarzenegger was born with that name, do you?
for How to Talk New Age
Copyright © 1996 (and earlier) by Mick Winter