SATAN is also known as the Devil. He is an evil-looking fellow
with horns, forked tail, and bad breath.
Satan has been playing against God (See GOD)
for a long time now, trying to take over control of the Universe.
Of course God made up the game in the first place, so he's not
too concerned about the outcome.
The pieces God and Satan play with are called People. Many of
these pieces enjoy telling each other that as soon as Satan loses,
the New Age will begin.
Oh yeah. Who are they trying to kid? As soon as anybody loses,
the game is over.
Then all the pieces go back in the box.
SATAN is also known as the Devil. He is an evil-looking fellow with horns, forked tail, and bad breath.
Satan has been playing against God (See GOD) for a long time now, trying to take over control of the Universe. Of course God made up the game in the first place, so he's not too concerned about the outcome.
The pieces God and Satan play with are called People. Many of these pieces enjoy telling each other that as soon as Satan loses, the New Age will begin.
Oh yeah. Who are they trying to kid? As soon as anybody loses, the game is over.
Then all the pieces go back in the box.
SCIENTOLOGY is........one moment, please. There is someone knocking at the door. We will be right back....................................................................................
....Here we are again.
Sorry, but after talking to that very persuasive, very large person at the door we have decided that we will leave the subject of Scientology and find something else to talk about.
SEX is...well, you probably already have a rough idea what sex is. Although New Age People think sex is more than you think it is. (See TANTRA).
It is unclear if there will be any Sex in the New Age. Some people think we will transcend all that nasty physical stuff. Other people, who still think that nasty physical stuff is a lot of fun, hope it will just get better and aren't much interested in the New Age without it.
Come to think of it, how long do you think the New Age would last without it?
SHIRLEY MACLAINE is a New Age Person. Shirley discovered that there are other realities. In one of these realities she is a teacher who fills huge auditoriums with people willing to pay much money to learn how to become a New Age Person.
In that same reality she also sells New Age Books, sells New Age TV programs, and has a center where she can sell New Age courses.
Shirley thinks reality is pretty neat. At least the one she's in.
Yours may be different.
SPIRITUALITY is something you either have or you don't. People who have it are On The Path and Closer To God. These people are called New Age People.
The ones who don't have it are called The Rest of Humanity, or "Them" for short.
Do you know which you are?
If you can finish reading this document and talk knowledgeably about its contents, you are a New Age Person and are definitely Very Spiritual. If you found this Web page by accident and would rather talk about television, you are one of "Them".
Not to worry, though. The mere fact that you even glimpsed this page is very auspicious and enough to assure you a favorable incarnation in your next lifetime.
A SUFI is a very mysterious person from the Middle East. Some Sufis turn around in circles, others tell stories which make absolutely no sense. Still others just sit around and smile.
Sufis do these things because they are Sufis. Other people do these things because they want to be Sufis. Still others do them who have been put in special places where they won't hurt anybody. (See LSD).
Experts have trouble telling which group is which. Only the Sufis know.
TANTRA is a special kind of sex (See SEX) which is done for spiritual reasons. It naturally appeals to Americans, who have all been brought up believing that Sex is dirty.
With Tantra we can all fuck ourselves to Higher Consciousness.
God is good.
The TAROT is a deck of cards with strange pictures. They are fraught with meaning. Because nobody really understands what they mean, they are considered very mystical.
Gypsies use the Tarot as an aid to materializing money. It is very effective.
The THIRD EYE is the one in the middle of your forehead which you might not have noticed yet, but which all New Age People want to open.
They figure if they can see two dimensions with one eye, and three dimensions with two eyes, just imagine what they might see with three eyes!
One supposed method of opening the Third Eye is by drilling a hole in the forehead. This has not been a popular technique. Another way is through meditation (See MEDITATION). Still another way is to say nice things to it and coax it open.
Once you get your Third Eye open, we'll tell you about Cleaning the Third Ear.
TM is a special form of Meditation (See MEDITATION) which was brought to this country by a group of English mystics called "The Beatles."
A person who "does" TM chants a mantra - a word he repeats internally over and over and over and over again.
Each person has his own special mantra, which is scientifically determined just for him. At the moment, his private mantra is shared by only 1,413,582 other people.
Isn't it nice being special?
TOFU is a New Age Food. It is a New Age food because it is from the Orient, and New Age People think everything from the Orient is pretty neat.
Tofu is actually soy bean curd but who wants to eat that? So the Japanese name is more popular.
Tofu is healthy because it is easy to digest. It is easy to digest because bacteria have already done most of the eating for you.
If you can swallow tofu, you can probably swallow anything. Even the idea that everything from the Orient is neat.
Oh, yeah. What about Asian Flu and Pearl Harbor?
for How to Talk New Age
Copyright © 1996 (and earlier) by Mick Winter