"Dr. Sue has helped me with many of my problems... maybe she can help you with yours!"
--ALW

Common Workplace Stress Disorders

By Dr. Sue

(Disclaimer: Dr. Sue was a music major in college and is therefore unsuited to giving advice on any work related issues.)

Do you have Workplace Stress Disorder? It is most likely. But perhaps you do not know which form of WSD you suffer from. This page was created to help answer the questions you can't answer yourself. I have provided a list of the most commonly occuring WSDs. It is not, however, a complete list as I am discovering new forms of WSD every day.

• Workplace Stress Disorder (WSD)
• Idiot Stress Disorder (ISD)
• Overqualified Stress Disorder (OSD)
• Typo in Cover Letter Stress Disorder (TICLSD)

Workplace Stress Disorder: This variety of stress disorder is common especially among those who have graduated from college with a degree in music and who have been taught that much modern music has been composed on or around the key of B-flat because that's the frequency florescent lights buzz at and who have since established a pattern of florescent light avoidance but are currently working in a bank building.

Symptoms:

• Frequent and uncontrolable feelings of violence against florescent lights.
• Unexplained longing for windows in cubicle.
• Urge to turn off lights on exiting bathroom stall.
• Anxiety attacks in presence of cheerful reception area lighting.

Also common:

• Unfounded suspicion that ventilation system is blowing germs around the office.
• Unfounded suspicion that other parts of the building are better ventilated than one's own.
• Unfounded suspicion that previous tenants have conducted unsavory activities in one's office space.
• Unfounded suspicion that microwave oven is positioned directly behind wall near one's desk.

There is no known cure.

Idiot Stress Disorder:  I have no idea what to say about this.  You're probably watching me, waiting for me to make a move.  But I'm sweating through my panty hose to the vinyl chair I'm sitting on, the heady smell of stale coffee and marking pens mixing with exhaust fumes from the carpet padding installed just last week by a really cute custodial guy who gave me the eye so I gave him the look but nothing else or what would people have thought of me and my career or my mother whose opinion destroyed every fantasy I ever had, and yet I can't help but wonder would his skin have felt as smooth as the corner of my legal pad which I've frayed into dirty yellow wood pulp, oo-it's turning soggy in my fingers now, like Donna Frybone's spit balls which got stuck in my new hair cut on the way to junior high, everybody looking and laughing, though nobody is laughing now but only bored and anxious for me to come up with an answer to a question I care nothing about.  I'm sure I was meant for better things.

Over-Qualified Stress Disorder: See above.

Typo In Cover Letter Stress Disorder: A full 98% of today's workforce is afflicted or know someone who is. There are some who claim that TICLSD is overdiagnosed, a "fashionable disease" which will disappear with the autumn breeze or else maybe when everyone has upgraded to a Pentium Pro, but I say nay--there is so much that medical science does not yet understand. Genetic predisposition may be a factor.

Early Warning Signs:

• Subject has history of failure in attempting to merge address information into cover letters.
• Humiliating encounter with network administrator is recorded in the last 30 days.
• Humiliating encounter with copier, printer or fax machine is recorded in last four weeks.

Symptoms:

Symptoms occur upon re-reading cover letter. They include but are not restricted to:

• light headedness, sweaty palms, racing heart
• chaotic finger-pointing
• offers to resign job.

Long term effects:

• denial
• fear of office machinery
• prolonged and unprovoked fantasies involving mail boxes
• profound feelings of guilt, having done something "wrong"

Early intervention is most effective, however, many victims show no sign of recovery or improvement of symptoms. Note that use of a spell checker has statistically neglible effect on the treatment or prevention of TICLSD.

Have you discovered any new forms of WSD? Tell Dr. Sue all about it!

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