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flash gordon, md (flash)


the american medical associations committee on nutrition and diet announced that "natural foods" and a "balanced diet" have been found to be inherently unhealthy, according to copywrited u.p.i. story.

"basically, eating just `health' food lets your liver become `lazy'" said dr. justin plonk, in an interview today after the closing ceremony of the committee's annual meeting.

"we find that it is necessary to exercise your liver just like you'd exercise any other part of your body. complex carbohydrates, sugars, proteins, and fats are no challenge. heck, your liver could metabolize those substances in your sleep. To give it a really good workout, we recommend eating food with lots of preservatives and additives. since the information on how to process those chemicals isn't genetically pre-programmed into your system, it has to do some real work to keep detoxifying them. this 'exercise' makes your system stronger and more able to resist other pollutants, chemicals, and various contaminants we all encounter in our everyday life."

american medical news, april 31, 1986

Topic 4 Bad Information
Judy Malloy (badinfo)

A recent experiment at the University of California showed that eating just two mice a week greatly reduces the risk of lung cancer, breast cancer, and cancer of the prostrate. The UC scientists stress that the entire mouse should be eaten. Do not leave the tail and claws on your plate.

Topic 4 Bad Information
John Coate (tex)

Lobotomy is an effective treatment for migraine headaches.

Topic 4 Bad Information
Dan Levy (danlevy)


A joint study released today by the National Institute of Health and the National Institute of Mental Health, and published by the New England Journal of Medicine, indicates that stress is a powerful calorie burner. It has been estimated that one hour of good, solid worry burns as many calories as a thirty minute jog. Many of the participants in the test reported seeing excess pounds "melt away" simply by fretting in the privacy of their own homes. Doctors at NIH report that the resulting effects on the human heart are negligible in relation to the salutary effects of weight loss. Not surprisingly, commercial interests have been quick to exploit these findings; a joint venture between Pacific Gas & Electric and Chevron has been formed to develop a generator that would allow an average-sized adult to power an electric car at speeds of up to 45 miles per hour simply by thinking about his or her parents.